Draft: Cutscene Edits (2023)

src/cutscenes/intro.inc.h

@@ -7,78 +7,80 @@
 		T_NARRATOR("— The Hakurei Shrine\n"),
 		T_NARRATOR("The shrine at the border of fantasy and reality.\n"),
 		T_NARRATOR("Three heroines of Gensōkyō sat drinking tea on a calm day at the end of summer.\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("There was something unsettling in the air—"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/opening/01", {
-		T_MARISA("What’s got ya both so down? Did I mess up the tea?"),
-		T_NARRATOR("\nReimu and Yōmu shared a knowing glance.\n"),
-		T_REIMU("The tea’s fine. I just feel weird. I can’t put my finger on it."),
-		T_YOUMU("I’m feeling something similar, I’m afraid."),
+		T_MARISA("Nothing beats iced tea at this time of year!"),
+		T_MARISA("Anyway, what brings you up here, Yōmu?"),
+		T_YOUMU("Some relaxation away from the Netherworld. It’s been a bit stressful recently."),
+		T_REIMU("Huh? Really?"),
+		T_YOUMU("Nothing to concern yourself with, of course—"),
+
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/opening/01", {
-		T_NARRATOR("The bells of the shrine tolled outside. Someone had made a donation.\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("A minute later, there was another.\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("And another."),
+		T_NARRATOR("Outside, the bells of the shrine tolled."),
+		T_NARRATOR("Someone had made a donation!\n"),
+		T_NARRATOR("A minute later, another donation was made. And another a moment later."),
+		T_NARRATOR("Eventually, there was one being made every couple of seconds.\n"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/opening/01", {
-		T_REIMU("Something’s definitely not right…"),
+		T_REIMU("Who the heck is causing all that noise?!"),
 		T_YOUMU("Isn’t it normally comforting for the shrine to receive donations?"),
-		T_REIMU("Normally it *would* be comforting, but…"),
+		T_REIMU("W-Well, sure, but—"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/reimu_bad/01", {
-		T_NARRATOR("Outside the shrine, nearly every resident of Yōkai Mountain was lined up one after another.\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("Everyone seemed vaguely fearful."),
+		T_NARRATOR("Outside the shrine, nearly every resident of Yōkai Mountain was standing around in their own little groups, talking amongst themselves, as if it were some sort of party.\n"),
+		T_NARRATOR("Everyone seemed vaguely stressed."),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/opening/02", {
-		T_REIMU("Eh? What’s all this, then?"),
+		T_REIMU("Eh? What are you all doing here?"),
 		T_KANAKO("We’ve come to ask a favour."),
 		T_MARISA("What kinda favour?"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/opening/02", {
-		T_NARRATOR("A mysterious force was slowly causing yōkai and humans alike to succumb to an intense feeling of “knowing everything.”\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("It would start with figuring out trivial problems that they’d been struggling with - a technical issue with a machine, or coming up with the perfect newspaper headline.\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("But as it progressed, they’d become completely enthralled by it, unable to act rationally.\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("Yōkai Mountain was usually protected by the Moriya shrine maiden, but even she had been carried away into madness."),
+		T_NARRATOR("A mysterious force was slowly causing yōkai and humans alike to succumb to an intense feeling of “grasping for knowledge.”\n"),
+		T_NARRATOR("Trivial problems would become instantly solvable - a technical issue with a machine, or coming up with the perfect newspaper headline…\n"),
+		T_NARRATOR("Or they would simply exposit on their favourite subjects beyond the ability for anyone to understand.\n"),
+		T_NARRATOR("As time went on, though, it began to take on a troubling tone…\n"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/opening/02", {
-		T_SUWAKO("Sanae just keeps talking about ‘video game consoles.’"),
-		T_MARISA("Eh? Like those toys you hook up to TVs, the kind you find at Kōrindō?"),
+		T_SUWAKO("Sanae just keeps talking about those video game consoles of hers."),
+		T_MARISA("Eh? Like those toys you hook up to TVs, the kinds you find litterin’ up Kōrindō?"),
 		T_KANAKO("Right, but she just won’t stop. I’ve seen her excited, but not like this."),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/opening/03", {
 		T_SUMIREKO("Hmm. Quite fascinating."),
-		T_REIMU("Where the heck did *you* come from?!"),
+		T_REIMU("Where the heck did *you* come from?! Shouldn't you be off working at the store?"),
 		T_SUMIREKO("I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. Based on my gut feeling, and what you’ve described, the answer is obvious."),
 		T_YOUMU("Is that so? Care to share it with us?"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/opening/03", {
-		T_SUMIREKO("Some entity on Yōkai Mountain is emitting a powerful eldritch lunacy, likely in all directions from a singular point, given how indiscriminate it is."),
-		T_SUMIREKO("Too much knowledge all at once… mm, mm, it can potentially be fatal, at least for those with weaker minds."),
-		T_MARISA("Heh, wanna handle it then, Sumi?"),
+		T_SUMIREKO("Some entity on Yōkai Mountain is emitting a powerful eldritch lunacy, in all directions and from a singular point, given how indiscriminate it is."),
+		T_SUMIREKO("Too much knowledge all at once… mm, mm, it can potentially be fatal, at least for those with… weaker minds."),
+		T_MARISA("Hah. Wanna handle it yourself then, Sumi?"),
 		T_SUMIREKO("A-ah, n-no, you all know the lay of the land better, a-after all, and with it being such a dire situation—"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/opening/04", {
 		T_NARRATOR("Yōmu became distracted at the sight of Lady Yuyuko peeking out from behind the Moriya Gods.\n"),
 		T_YOUMU("Lady Yuyuko, why are you—?"),
-		T_YUYUKO("The spirits seem drawn to Yōkai Mountain as well, as if they long for something. It’s growing difficult to placate them all…"),
+		T_YUYUKO("The spirits in the Netherworld are going completely mad! It’s just too much to handle for me right now…"),
 		T_YOUMU("I see. Shall I investigate as well?"),
-		T_YUYUKO("Please do."),
+		T_YUYUKO("If you would, please!"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/locations/hakurei", {
-		T_NARRATOR("Elsewhere at the shrine, the kappa were all huddled into a group, talking intensely in hushed tones…\n"),
+		T_NARRATOR("Elsewhere at the shrine, the kappa were all huddled into a group, talking intensely in hushed tones.\n"),
 		T_NARRATOR("And the tengu were furiously scribbling on their notepads, as if they’d just gotten the scoop of their careers.\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("Even here, away from Yōkai Mountain, the effects of the so-called ‘eldritch lunacy’ seemed to be reaching everyone…"),
+		T_NARRATOR("Even here, away from Yōkai Mountain, the effects of the so-called ‘eldritch lunacy’ seemed to be affecting everyone…"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ NULL }

src/cutscenes/marisa_bad_end.inc.h

@@ -10,9 +10,9 @@
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_bad/01", {
 		T_NARRATOR("A nervous witch sat flipping through endless stacks of books, drinking tea instead of her usual sake…\n"),
-		T_MARISA("Hey Patchy, do ya got any more books on Magitech?"),
+		T_MARISA("Hey Patchy, do ya got any more books on magitech?"),
 		T_PATCHOULI("Yes, but I doubt they’ll be of much use. That machine is beyond that subject entirely."),
-		T_MARISA("Ugh, yer probably right, as usual."),
+		T_MARISA("Ugh, you’re probably right, as usual."),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_bad/01", {
@@ -23,17 +23,17 @@
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_bad/01", {
-		T_FLANDRE("I could destroy it! Make it go BOOM!"),
+		T_FLANDRE("I could destroy it! Blow it sky high!"),
 		T_MARISA("Gah! … now what did I say about sneakin’ up on people, Flan?"),
 		T_FLANDRE("Sorry!"),
-		T_PATCHOULI("Thank you for the offer, Flandre, but no."),
+		T_PATCHOULI("Thank you for the offer, Flandre, but I think it’s already ‘sky high’."),
 		T_FLANDRE("Awww… how boring…"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_bad/02", {
 		T_NARRATOR("After having tea with the pair of them, Marisa wandered the stacks, looking for inspiration.\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("Suddenly, she felt as if she'd stepped into a pothole, tripping and falling flat on her face.\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("When she looked back at the floor, she didn’t see anything except the expertly-organized rows of immaculate bookshelves.\n"),
+		T_NARRATOR("Suddenly, she felt as if she'd found a loose floorboard, tripping and falling flat on her face.\n"),
+		T_NARRATOR("When she looked back to see what she'd tripped on, she didn’t see anything except the immaculate and expertly-organized rows of bookshelves.\n"),
 		T_NARRATOR("Then, she noticed something cold and thin underneath her hand."),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
@@ -45,7 +45,7 @@
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_bad/02", {
-		T_NARRATOR("Practical & Advanced Computational Applications of the Grand Unified Theory\n\n"),
+		T_NARRATOR("Advanced & Practical Computational Applications of the Grand Unified Theory\n\n"),
 		T_NARRATOR("— by Usami Renko"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},

src/cutscenes/marisa_extra_intro.inc.h

@@ -11,13 +11,13 @@
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_extra/01", {
 		T_PATCHOULI("I get such a nervous feeling around the newcomers…"),
 		T_MARISA("They're fine, they're fine! Look at ‘er, isn’t she kinda cute?"),
-		T_PATCHOULI("Sure, but… you said you knew them, from another world?"),
+		T_PATCHOULI("Sure… so, you said you knew them, from another world?"),
 		T_MARISA("Well, another me knew another them in another world."),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_extra/01", {
-		T_MARISA("Actually, I kinda saw every possible iteration of myself, spannin’ out over infinity, folding onto ourselves, kinda like a really incredible katana gettin’ forged. It was intense!"),
-		T_PATCHOULI("It’s just like you to accidentally see the Time Knife…"),
+		T_MARISA("Actually, I kinda saw every possible iteration of myself, spannin’ out over infinity, folding onto ourselves, kinda like a really incredible blade gettin’ forged. It was intense!"),
+		T_PATCHOULI("It’s just like you to accidentally see the Temporal Sabre…"),
 		T_MARISA("The what-now?"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
@@ -43,7 +43,7 @@
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_extra/01", {
 		T_REMILIA("Forgive the young witch, she’s such a spoil-sport at times."),
-		T_KURUMI("Mm, indeed~."),
+		T_KURUMI("Mm, indeed~"),
 		T_MARISA("Ugh, and after I said y’all were cool…"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
@@ -68,8 +68,8 @@
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_extra/02", {
 		T_KURUMI("Y-you saw me back there, right?! You were there! I didn’t do anything!"),
 		T_MARISA("Hey, nobody's accusin’ ya of anythin’. All ya did was shut a door, right? To keep the fairies out?"),
-		T_KURUMI("Y-yeah! But… but maybe it’s like that phrase? ‘One door closes, another opens'?"),
-		T_MARISA("What do ya mean?"),
+		T_KURUMI("Y-yeah! But…"),
+		T_MARISA("Hmm? What is it?"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_extra/02", {
@@ -84,13 +84,13 @@
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_extra/02", {
-		T_KURUMI("But, uh, you know, there might be a really powerful enemy there now? So please be careful???"),
+		T_KURUMI("But, uh, you know, there might be a really powerful enemy there now? So be careful???"),
 		T_MARISA("Aw, are ya worried about me? That’s cute."),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_extra/02", {
-		T_NARRATOR("Marisa grinned and magically summoned her broom, mounting it deftly, and shooting right out of an open window in a flash.\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("Her sights were set on the Tower that loomed and rumbled on the top of Yōkai Mountain…"),
+		T_NARRATOR("Marisa grinned and summoned her broom, mounting it deftly, and sped right out of an open window in a flash.\n"),
+		T_NARRATOR("Her sights were set on the Tower, the omnious epicentre that loomed and rumbled on the top of Yōkai Mountain…"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ NULL }

src/cutscenes/marisa_good_end.inc.h

@@ -11,24 +11,25 @@
 	{ "cutscenes/locations/moriya", {
 		T_NARRATOR("Once defeated, the newcomers agreed to turn off their ‘Tower of Babel’.\n"),
 		T_NARRATOR("Elly and Kurumi were made to scrub the floors of the Moriya Shrine…\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("… which had become filthy from the local fairies partying non-stop, and some ‘political demonstrations’ by the newly-formed ‘Insect Party’."),
+		T_NARRATOR("… which had become filthy from the local kappa partying non-stop…"),
+        T_NARRATOR("… and some so-called ‘political demonstrations’ by the newly-formed ‘Insect Party’."),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/locations/moriya", {
 		T_SANAE("—which had a brand new math co-processor, allowing it to have advanced vector processing capabilities. Combined with other improvements, such as its DVD drive—"),
-		T_ELLY("Ah, I see. Facinating. Wow. Incredible."),
+		T_ELLY("Ah, I see. Facinating. Incredible."),
 		T_KANAKO("You two having fun?"),
 		T_ELLY("… y-yes, ma’am."),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/locations/moriya", {
 		T_KANAKO("Seems like it’s taking a bit more time for the madness to wear off for her. How’s all that ‘knowledge’ working out for you, newcomer?"),
 		T_SANAE("I remembered way more about retro video game consoles than I wanted to! And now *you’ve* gotta deal with it!"),
-        T_NARRATOR("\nElly nodded and smiled politely, trying to hold back tears of boredom."),
+        T_NARRATOR("\nElly, despite her politeness, struggled to hold back tears of boredom."),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/locations/moriya", {
-		T_NARRATOR("In the end, the newcomers seemed to calm down once the effects of the Tower had worn off, just like everyone else in Gensōkyō.\n"),
+		T_NARRATOR("In the end, the newcomers seemed to settle down once the effects of the Tower had worn off, like everyone else in Gensōkyō.\n"),
 		T_NARRATOR("During an early afternoon, Marisa arrived with a picnic basket and a grin on her face."),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
@@ -42,13 +43,12 @@
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_good/01", {
 		T_ELLY("Isn’t it a little early for that?"),
 		T_MARISA("Oh c’mon, it’s noon somewhere in the infinite multiverse, ain’t it?"),
-		T_NARRATOR("\nElly laughed. She wanted an excuse for a break anyways.\n"),
-		T_NARRATOR("And so, they drank, and caught up on alternate worlds, uncanny timelines, and the strangeness of their circumstances.\n"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_good/02", {
-		T_MARISA("I mean, ‘course ya lost. Mathematics has always had a soft spot for magic. Don’t ya know about Isaac Newton?"),
-		T_ELLY("The famous European mathematician? I studied his works, yes. But what about him?"),
+		T_NARRATOR("And so, they drank, and caught up on alternate worlds, uncanny timelines, and the strangeness of their circumstances.\n"),
+		T_MARISA("I mean, ‘course ya lost. Mathematics has always had a soft spot for magic. Don’t ya know about that one guy, Isaac Newton?"),
+		T_ELLY("The famous European mathematician? I studied his works, yes, while I lived in the Tower. Very foundational. But what about him?"),
 		T_MARISA("He was an Alchemist!"),
 		T_ELLY("He was a… what?!"),
 		{ 0 },
@@ -57,13 +57,13 @@
 		T_MARISA("Yup. There’s even a copy of his occult book down at the library I frequent."),
 		T_MARISA("He was into a lotta wild stuff."),
 		T_MARISA("Kinda funny ya hadn’t heard of that, actually."),
-		T_ELLY("Hah. That… *is* kind of funny, actually. I never ran across any of *those* books of his…"),
+		T_ELLY("Hah. I never ran across any of *those* books of his…"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_good/02", {
 		T_MARISA("Oh, cheer up, will ya? Y’all’ll get to chill out here for a long as ya like."),
 		T_ELLY("But what if this Gensōkyō collapses, too…?"),
-		T_MARISA("It could! The Hakurei Barrier could fall tomorrow! But what’s the point in worryin’ about all that?"),
+		T_MARISA("What’s the point in worryin’ about all that?"),
 		T_MARISA("Right now, I say we enjoy what we got!"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
@@ -75,16 +75,16 @@
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_good/02", {
-		T_MARISA("Yeah! A while ago, I was cookin’ up some especially powerful ones I found in a cave near the one-armed hermit’s house…"),
-		T_MARISA("And then, BOOM, there was a small explosion!"),
+		T_MARISA("Yeah! A while ago, I was cookin’ up some especially powerful ones I found in a cave on this very mountain…"),
+		T_MARISA("And then, BOOM, there was an explosion!"),
 		T_MARISA("Before I knew it was seein’ all sorts’a ‘versions’ of myself out there. My lives were flashin’ before my eyes!"),
 		T_MARISA("Anyway, took me a bit, but I kinda remembered that vampire girl Kurumi, and when I saw ya, and I was like, ‘Whoa, really?! For real?!’"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},
 	{ "cutscenes/marisa_good/02", {
-		T_ELLY("That’s ridiculous. You’re ridiculous."),
-		T_ELLY("But I suppose in a place like Gensōkyō, that’s not even that strange…"),
-		T_ELLY("… and you were such a child when I met you. It’s odd to see you all grown up, even if it’s another you entirely."),
+		T_ELLY("That’s ridiculous."),
+		T_ELLY("But I suppose in a place like Gensōkyō, it’s not even that strange…"),
+		T_ELLY("The version I knew of you was just a child, too."),
 		T_MARISA("I’ll have you know that I’m not a day wiser! Gahaha!"),
 		{ 0 },
 	}},