Drawer8Part3.txt

Smithsonian Institution
National Museum of American History

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Extracted on Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

The Smithsonian Institution thanks all digital volunteers that transcribed and reviewed this material. Your work
enriches Smithsonian collections, making them available to anyone with an interest in using them.

The Smithsonian Institution welcomes personal and educational use of its collections unless otherwise noted;

-

-

If sharing the material in personal and educational contexts, please cite the National Museum of American
History as source of the content and the project title as provided at the top of the document. Include the
accession number or collection name; when possible, link to the National Museum of American History website.
If you wish to use this material in a for-profit publication, exhibition, or online project, please contact National
Museum of American History or transcribe@si.edu

For more information on this project and related material, contact the National Museum of American History. See
this project and other collections in the Smithsonian Transcription Center.

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PLAYBOY PARTY JOKES
25/AUG/1993
QUASIMODO THE BELL RINGER OF NOTRE DAME, WAS
PERFORMING HIS USUAL DUTIES WHEN THE GREAT CATHEDRAL
CAUGHT FIRE. CLIMBING TO THE HIGHEST TOWER TO ESCAPE
THE FLAMES, THE HUNCHBACK TEETERED ON THE EDGE.
"JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! THOUSANDS OF PARISIANS SHOUTED
FROM BELOW. QUASIMODO RESPONDED BY POINTING TO THE
HUMP ON HIS BACK. "WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, A
PARACHUTE

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
R. ORBEN
02/MAR/1988
Sir, is it true you're listed in the Yellow Pages under TROUBLE?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
JOHN LOUTHAN
/JUN/1984
That couple used to be found on any given Saturday night at the drive in
Movie watching the movie with their feet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
JOHN LOUTHAN
JUN/1984
His wife was not wearing a wedding ring - she just wrapped the pawn
ticket around her finger.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
JOHN LOUTHAN
JUN/1984
People at reunions brag about their success - one guy was dropped off
in a cadillac - by a guy from the loan company who was repossessing it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
CHARLES E. CARTER
JUL/1984
I asked my gargener if his poor English held him back and he said "SI"
That's amazing - he's from Toronto.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
JOHN LOUTHAN
JUN/1984
A man in his late forties - with pimples

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS DILLER GAGS
JUL/1984
A confired optimist is a fellow who gets married at 93 and then buys a
house near a school.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
23/OCT/1984
Tough? He favors the death penalty on PEOPLE'S COURT?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
TOM PADOVANO
03/FEB/1985
Some of these punk rockers are weird. One girl wore a safety pin
through her ear -- with a diaper attached.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

^[[Characters]]
Orben
05/DEC/1979
Gordon, ^[[I]] love that name. You're never sure if he's opening a new
frontier or an old raincoat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Comedy/Update
JUN/1979
Girl on dope - (diet pills) brushing her hair - one strand at a time.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Comedy/Update
MAY/1979
If we actually contact extraterrestial beings, some biggot will say, "There
goes the universe!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Comedy/Update
MAY/1979
Or how about the Marin, California, psychiatrist? Took out his couch and
replaced it with a hot tub.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Comedy/Update
MAY/1979
An optimist is a guy who sets aside two hours for Christmas shopping.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACHTERS
Phyllis Gags
APR/1979
A guy that looked like the history of leather.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Jack Sender
MAY/1978
And why does the second baseman always look like he's chewing a hot
water bottle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Jack Sender
MAY/1978
An old lady was trying to catch foul balls, she had rotten luck. She was
knocked out four times.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTER
Jack Sender
MAY/1978
So he tried sleeping just three hours a month. Bad news - And yawned
himself to death.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS (ATHELETIC TYPE)
Orben Gags
JUL/1978
He thinks that a newspaper consists of 75 other pages designed to keep
the Sports Section from getting wrinkled.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

^[[CHARACTERS]]
Phyllis Gag
08/JUN/1970
Here is a man who always gives a stunning performance ... he was
struck by lightening.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Carol Ann Ynsua
JUL/1978
There's this one lady in our club who is so tacky -- when she dies she'll
probably come back as a rummage sale.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Jack Sender
JUL/1978
Hollywood: On every corner in Hollywood you see groups of people who
look like runaways from [[underlined]]Let's Make a Deal[[/underlined]].

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTER
Phyllis Gags
NOV/1977
Died at 27. Was buried at 70.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Jack Sender
MAY/1978
Psychiatrist: I think he's into drugs.  His medicine cabinet is locked from
the inside.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTER
Jack Sender
MAY/1978
He told me his uncle always woke up tired 'cause he dreamed he didn't
sleep.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Jack Sender
MAY/1978
Psychiatrist: I didn't know whether to shake hands or throw him a
Banana.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Jack Sender
MAY/1978
And why does the second baseman always look like he's chewing a hot
water bottle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

^[[CHARACTERS]]
PERSONALITIES
Ellen Hildreth
02/MAR/1978
He's very forgetful. This morning he poured milk on the dog and told his
Rice Crispies to go on the paper.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gags
JUL/1977
Her eyes look like two pools -- cess!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAGS
NOV/1977
HE WALKS LIKE HE WAS BUILT BY MEL BROOKS ON A RAINY DAY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ORBEN GAGS
JUL/1977
RICH?  HE JUST BOUGHT A WINNEBAGO WITH A WINE CELLAR.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

^[[CHARACTERS]]
PERSONALITY-Complainer
Peter Levinson
24/JAN/1978
I know a guy so negative if he were riding on a magic carpet, he'd
complain about the fringe.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
LARRY GORDON
JUL/1977
ONE GUY PLAYED WITH TWO RACQUETS - ONE IN EACH HAND.
HE LOOKED LIKE A BOY SCOUT SIGNALING FOR HELP.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1978
She was so bow—legged — she looked like the Saint Louis arch with a
gargoyle on top.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ORBEN GAGS
JUL/1977
BEFORE WE BEGIN, I HAVE A SPECIAL REQUEST FROM THE CAR
PARKER.  WOULD THE OWNER OF THE CONVERTIBLE WITH THE
PINK FENDERS, TUTTI-FRUTTI BODY, FEATHER BOA HOOD
ORNAMENT AND RED SATIN SEAT COVERS, PLEASE REPORT TO
THE PARKING LOT?  THERE'S NOTHING WRONG.  HE JUST
WANTS TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
PERSONALITY: Mean
Phyllis Diller
24/OCT/1978

Charm School. (Use whoever is the current"scourge") Like....Evil Knevil-
---
Hitler - Idi Admin

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

^[[CHARACTERS]]
PERSONALITY
Detours
9/JUN/1972

A well-adjusted person is one who can play tennis or golf as if they were
games.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ORBEN GAGS
JUL/1977
HE'S A TAPDANCER IN THE CANOE OF LIFE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAGS
APR/1976
MY EDITOR'S BREAKFAST: THUMB TACKS WITH SKIM WATER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAGS
MAR/1976
MY PIANIST WAS BORN TO PLAY THE PIANO--HE HAS 2 BLACK
FINGERS ON ONE HAND AND 3 ON THE OTHER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Orben
JUN/1975
  Woman in a Japanese restaurant had too much sake.  She kept
introducing her husband as [[underline]]Mr.[[/underline]] Butterfly.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

^[[CHARACTERS]]
ORBEN
JUN/1975
YOU OVERHEAR THE MOST FASCINATING CONVERSATIONS IN
ELEVATORS.  LIKE: "DID YOU HEAR THAT LITTLE LOUIE JUST SPIT
IN THE GODFATHER'S EYE?" "LITTLE LOUIE JUST SPIT IN
GODFATHER'S EYE?  I'D SURE LIKE TO SHAKE HIS HAND."  "YOU
CAN'T.  THERE'S A LILY IN IT."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

^[[CHARACTERS]]
PD
FEB/1975
I'LL NEVER FORGET THE DAY I MET ETTA RICKLES -- SHE WAS
SELLING DARK GLASSES AT A JANUARY WHITE SALE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS DILLER
FEB/1975
A PERSON WITH TICS OR THE SHAKES -- SHE FOLDS
PARACHUTES.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ORBEN
1974
ALWAYS SMILING.  HE'S THE ONLY MAN I KNOW WHO CAN EAT
FRENCH FRIES SIDEWAYS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

^[[CHARACTERS]]
GENE PERRET
No. 193

This woman in the next cabin drove me crazy.  She was determined to
have a good time.  She was the kind of woman who would go to a
funeral and try to get up a game of charades.

Re: Cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters: Cruise
Gene Perret
unknown
No. 193
She was always smiling and happy and forcing everybody to have a
good time. It was like spending two weeks in solitary confinement with
Bert Parks.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Gene Perret
No. 193
unknown
[[strikethrough]] She thought [[/strikethrough]] she was Disneyland in a
tight girdle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters: Cruise
Gene Perret
unknown
No. 193
I felt like stuffing a life jacket in her mouth and pulling the cord.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters: Cruise
Gene Perret
unknown
No. 193
If pirates had attacked the ship, she would have organized a "walking
the plank" contest.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

CHARACTERS
Gene Perret  No. 193
Unknown

She insisted Fang and I come to her cabin and play poker. I told her I
was sick so she set up the card table in the bathroom.

Re: Cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS: Cruise
Gene Perret
No. 193
unknown
She sat at the captain's table for two days and after that he organized
his own mutiny.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Gene Perret
Unknown
No. 193
After being with her on a cruise for awhile it made me think... maybe the
Titanic committed suicide.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Gene Perret
Unknown
No. 193
Everybody hated her. At one point in the trip somebody threw her
overboard. Two days later the sharks threw her back.
Re: Lady on cruise

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
29/SEP/1971
Little old lady knitting all through terrible incident on plane...wing is on
fire. Passengers all shook! When they landed safely and disembarked a
man asked her, "How could you sit and knight during that horrible
thing?"
Old Lady: "The fire wasn't on my side"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ANN BARRY BLAGBORNE
04/SEPT/1964
SHE DRIVES ME INSANE WITH ALL HER TALK ABOUT MENTAL
HEALTH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
21/APR/1971
WHO IS ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL STOKOWSKI?  THE FIRST
TELEPHONE POLE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
21/APR/1971
FANG IS SO DRUNK
POLACK...
WHEN WINTER WAS HALF OVER ... HE TOOK OFF 2 OF HIS SNOW
TIRES.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
12/Mar/1971
Fanghas
The personality of a dial tone.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
08/JUN/1970
SHE'S SO DUMB SHE'D USE A BOWLING BALL FOR A DOOR STOP.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
GENE PERRET
UNKNOWN
SHE'S ABOUT AS CHARMING AS SMOKEY THE BEAR SITTING ON
A LIT CIGARETTE BUTT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
12/FEB/1970
I'LL TELL YOU HOW MEAN SHE IS ... SHE HAS A WIND-UP DOG
THAT BITES.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Orben Gag
17/DEC/1968
muttiest
I just met the world's hippiest fortune teller.  Reads the salt on
Margaritas!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Feb 1965
She was a wardrobe mistress in radio.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Unknown
He's a famous rainmaker -- he plans picnics.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Charles W. Parker
24/OCT/1964
Fang's best friend won't work at anything but the trade he learned in the
old country, - he's a gondolier.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Delaine Helwig
09/SEP/1969
She is so narrowminded she has one eye above the other.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters: Fang
Phyllis Gag
30/AUG/1968
FANG
If he were a horse I'd make glue out of him.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
30/AUG/1968
You want to know what kind of an idiot he is - he opened a Buttermilk
Bar.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1968
A wino bought a can of dog food and a bottle of wine at a grocery store -
- plus a match -- he wanted to eat by candlelight.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Orben Gag
17/Dec/1968
You Know Why
Santa Claus has his workshop at the North Pole. I've heard of being out
of the high rent district, but this is ridiculous!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
MRS. LILLIAN DANIELS
31/JAN/1964
I FINALLY MET THE MILK MAN.  THE NEXT DAY HE THREW THE
BOTTLES FROM THE TRUCK.  HE MUST HAVE HAD A PAPER
ROUTE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
30/AUG/1968
FAG ELEVATOR OPERATOR -- EVERY TIME I GET IN HE SAYS
"UPSIE DAISY."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ORBEN
17/FEB/1972
IF DON JUAN COULD SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING TODAY, HE'D
TURN OVER IN HIS GRAVE -- WHICH WOULD BE A MORE
NATURAL POSITION FOR HIM, ANYWAY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
29/SEP/1971
An old lady's pet monkies died. She took them to the taxidermist. He
said, "Do you want them mounted?" She replies, "No, just shaking
hands. They weren't that friendly."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
24/SEP/1971
(In Texas)
"Where's Ferd?"
"He's out trying to turn around a hurricane."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
ROBERT WALTON
09/SEP/1971

A GUY SO NEUROTIC...WHEN HE WAS LITTLE HE HAD A TEDDY
BEAR MADE OF TIN. IF HE HIT IT IN HIS SLEEP...IT WOKE HIM UP.
AND TO TOP IT OFF...HIS NAME WAS "EDSEL...EDSEL WALLACE."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
19/AUG/1971
HE'S SUCH AN EGOTIST.  HE SAYS HE IS GEORGE MORRIS THE
FIRST.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
20/AUG/1970
I KNEW A POLYGAMIST ... HE WAS ABOUT SO HIGH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Howard Taylor
14/JUL/1970
Gaylord Ghastly bought a TV dinner at the supermarket and left a tip for
the check-out girl.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Tony Garofalo
30/APR/1970
The decorator introduces himself to me and says: "My name's Ross.".....
I thought that sounded pretty masculine until I found out his first name
was Betsy..... I said: "Do you have something to do with the Flag?".......
He said: "Not during working hours."...... I said: "Look, Mr. Ross"....He
said: "Call me Betsy."..... I said: "Okay.... Betsy.....I want the place to
have the 'under done' look.... something subtle, understated elegance.
What can you suggest?"..... He said: "I work best in magenta, puse,
cerise and avocado."..... I said: "So I noticed, but enough about your
outfit, what about my place."..... Then he tells me he must have
complete creative control of the house with no interference from me or
Fang. He said: "I did Joe Namath's apartment and he didn't come
[[underline]]near[[/underline]] me." I said: "Your kind of trouble he
doesn't need." Oh...... and when he finished......you had to
[[underline]]see[[/underline]] to believe....... the whole room filled with
cherubs, red velvet, hanging vines. It looked like a combination of the
Sistine Chapel and Trader Vic's. I didn't know whether to have a party or
a christening. (high mass)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
TASCA BROTHERS
03/APR/1970
SIMPLE SIMON'S BIRTH DATE WAS DRAWN AT THE FIRST DRAFT
LOTTERY AND HE RAN AROUND ALL DAY YELLING, "I WON A TRIP
TO THE ORIENT!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG (FROM DETOURS)
05/MAR/1970
A TOUGH OLD MOUNTAINEER HAD BEEN MISSING FOR FIVE
DAYS, AND HIS WIFE FINALLY DECIDED TO LOOK FOR HIM.
SHE FOUND HIM IN A THICK CLUMP OF BUSHES, LOOKING
RATHER PEAKED.
"SUPPERTIME, PAW," SHE VENTURED.
"YEP," AGREED THE MOUNTAINEER.
"WELL THEN," SHE CONTINUED, "AIN'T Y' COMIN' HOME?"
"NOPE," SAID HE.
"WHY NOT?" ASKED SHE.
"BECUZ," HE SAID WITH FINALITY, "I'M STANDIN' IN A BEAR TRAP."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
12/FEB/1970
HOW LONELY CAN YOU BE?  SHE PLAYED CHESS AGAINST
HERSELF AND LOST!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
JULES E. TASCA
11/FEB/1970
(SIMPLE SIMON)  HE OPENED A PARKING LOT NEXT TO A DRIVE-
IN RESTAURANT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
GENE PERRET
UNKNOWN
DID YOU EVER SEE WHERE MUTT AND JEFF TRIED TO COMMIT
SUICIDE?  THEY TOOK AN OVERDOSE OF INK ERADICATOR.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
DR. PHILLIP ROSSMAN
18/NOV/1969
DUMB BLOND:  NO, DOCTOR - BUT I'VE BEEN ULTRA VIOLATED.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
03/JUL/1970
I KNOW THIS DARLING GANGSTER ... ON THE SIDE OF HIS GUN
IT'S PRINTED ... GOD IS LOVE ... HIS BROTHER'S A PRIEST.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Mrs. Gladys Chapman
8 Jun 1970
Plant shop
Then there's this kooky Gypsy fortune teller who keeps coming to the
shop.... wants to read the palms.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Orben Gag
17 Dec 1968
Our town is having a terrible problem with ladies of the evening. And if
you're wondering why they're called ladies of the evening -- have you
ever seen one in daylight?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ORBEN GAG
17/DEC/1968
ONE OF THEM WAS SO OLD, I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO CALL
THE COPS OR SOCIAL SECURITY!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ORBEN GAG
17/DEC/1968
IT'S REALLY SHOCKING.  ONE FELLA TOLD ME HE'S BEEN
PROPOSITIONED FIVE TIMES IN THE LAST TWO DAYS.  WHAT
MAKES IT SO SHOCKING -- HE'S A PRIEST!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
06/JUN/1968
A big game hunter with a fly swatter.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966
We must hire henchmen...We have one man who takes care of nothing
but hench.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
He's a town crier - he's out of work.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
It is pretty uncomfortable being a queen - (riding in carrage) side-saddle
on horse, etc.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Crepe hanger.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
09/SEP/1969
Phyllis Diller says, "You show me a gay weaver and I'll show you a fruit
of the loom!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
08/AUG/1969
She's the kind of girl who would have a Xerox machine in her bedroom.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
17/JUL/1969
Doesn't take her eye make-up off at night - in the morning she looks like
a raccoon.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Bill Daley
15/JUL/1969
My lawyer has a fine practice. He just bought a 1968 Cadillac
Ambulance.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
27/JUN/1969
I knew a lady - they put her in a nut bin - with a lot of other cashews.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS: DEN MOTHER SCOUTS
PHYLLIS GAG
FEB/1966

I WANTED TO BE OPERA STAR-- MERCEDES BENZ SINGING THE
WHOLE FIRST ACT OF CARMEN GHIA- I WANTED TO BE CHO-
CHO-SAN WITH THE RENTED BABY-- THEY KICKED HER OUT OF
THE CHINESE PTA WHEN THEY FOUND OUT SHE WAS RUNNING
A REAL DEN.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1966
She sat in a fetal position in the corner sucking her security blanket.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
They had invited a women from India - and by God - she came - she
had been deported.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
Old, old TV repairman - On the way in he tripped over the door jamb and
fell into a coma. The only reason he didn't die and go to heaven was
because he was in no condition to make the trip.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Gene Perret
29/Jul/1968
If he doesn't die soon, there'd be nothing left to bury.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Gene Perret
29/Jul/1968
He attended a funeral the other day - the mortician came over and said:
"Hardly pays to leave."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gags
20/Jan/1969
Manly Chest - Drummer on Dean Martin Show.
Also Fatty Tissue.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gags
23/Jan/1969
There she sits - rockin' away.- What bothers me - that's not a rocker.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
MAR/1966
We've got to take the plants to Ed. We'll take Corps with us, she hasn't
been out all day...Maybe he'll screen her...it'll be good for both of them.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Jun/1964
Cochise - You want to see where the arrow went in - now I'll show you
where it went out.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
06/JUN/1968
Chief stupid - You want something forgotten and you tell her.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
30/AUG/1968

SHE SWEATS SO MUCH SHE WEARS HER RAINCOAT INSIDE OUT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
30/Aug/1968
Nobody discovered me yet - my wife found out about me though.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
30/Aug/1968
For years she was the hypotenuse of a triangle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
05/Aug/1968
She's always dog-tired and she looks like a tired dog.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
05/AUG/1968
She is so set in her way she wouldn't even change a fuse.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
05/Aug/1968
She is such a pacifist she wouldn't even do a cross-word puzzle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Mrs. B.C. Reynolds
05/Aug/1968
She is such a prude she pulls down the shades when she dresses a
turkey.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966
What's wrong with Dick?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966
Mother of Pearl.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966
For you they may even change it to "Who's Whom".

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
MAR/1966
Very biddy woman.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
AUG/1965
Flash - a slow guy.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Mary McBride
29/MAR/1965
Talking to a woman that's a cat. How many were there in your litter - I
mean family.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Mrs. Charles Himes
27/May/1964
I've seen overweight gals before, but this one was jello with a belt.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
R. L. Parker
27/MAY/1964
He's so fat he's the only person who looks like he is holding his own
[[underline]]and[[/underline]] somebody elses.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
R. L. Parker
27/MAY/1964
When he talks about something turning his stomach -- he's talking about
the direction he wants to go.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
R. L. Parker
27/MAY/1964
One time he sneezed and the steering wheel pushed the front wheels
off the car.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Mrs. Charles Himes
27/MAY/1964
A buck-toothed dame who looked like a chipmunk was going around
taking down important information.  The chipmunk was asking, What are
the full names, place and date of birth of both your maternal and
paternal great-grandparents?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
Visit to Dean Keefe - I felt like a giraffe at a Palamino Farm.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964

He wears a vest - I don't think it's enough.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

He just loves to have children around him - it keeps the cops from
shooting at him.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Take away her figure and what have you got? A head floating around.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
13 Feb 1968

He's got a Ben Hur hair-do.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964

Scarlet Woman.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964

He said: We can't all be built like Mr. Clean (then he took off his ear
ring).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964

He swaggered into the drawing room - wearing a monacle - that's all - a
monacle - it covered him - but you could see thru it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964

[[underline]]Clown[[/underline]]
old toothless comb
whisk broom
purse (waterproof interior)
old rag
sponge with water
balloon - helium

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

  

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964

-2-

loose socks
shoes (huge tennis shoes)
Concertina
bowling ball
talcum powder
umbrella

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Paul Altman
14/Dec/1964

He got his southern accent from drinking out of dixie cups.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
N.E.Coan
21/Dec/1964

He has a funny way of getting permission - with a gun.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Jack Harrell
21/Dec/1964

She smiled and clicked off her ball point.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
R.E. Connell
25 Oct 1963

A little Filipino who had just escaped from Manila envelope.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Jul 1964

You treat the community as if you were a tourist.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAGS
26/APR/1966

YOU HAVE AN ORIENTAL AIR ABOUT YOU...YES, I JUST BLEW A
CHINAMAN.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966

Every a.m. she wakes up with this terrible hack - she sleeps in her cab.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
12/NOV/1963

She's built like this -- (do hourglass with hands) -- that's her head!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963

Everybody and his brother is writing a book...I don't mind him writing a
book...but his brother.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Diller
11/NOV/1963

She's nice...but she's so PTA.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

He sounded like he didn't have his lower teeth in.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Paul - I am terribly deep - Last week - 3 people drowned - just talking to
me.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
She's so conceited - she lives on Lake Superior.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
He's so grand - he calls the Fire Dept. to put his cigarette out.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
She thinks if you rub two carnations together, you get condensed milk.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
You've got a peeper - he lives on the window sill - you're the largest
pigeon I've ever seen without a message - why should I have a
message - I'm not a priest.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Irving Trust in NYC - what kind of a name is this for a bank - I never
knew an Irving I could trust.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Orben Gags
30/MAR/1968
One woman to another: "I won't go into details -- I've already told you
more about it than I heard myself."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
Dukes - Princes & Kings - Who were they all in love with? Who Else? I
hated Who Else! She etc. had long golden ringlets - no hair - just the
ringlets.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Harold G. Schroeder
31/DEC/1968
Hillbilly Mother to her Pride & Joy: Son --- get away from that
wheelbarrow. Wanna get yerself kilt? Ya know ya don't know nuthin
about Machinery!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
R. L. Parker
22/JAN/1964
I have another friend. A real talker -- a very tall girl -- a tower of babble.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
R. L. Parker
22/JAN/1964
Talking: Her normal rate is 140 words per minute with gust up to 180.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
R. L. Parker
22/JAN/1964
She's the only person I have ever heard recite the Girl Scout Oath in
one belch.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
R. L. Parker
22/JAN/1964
When she's in good voice she can sneeze "Yankee Doodle."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
R. L. Parker
22/JAN/1964
One time I wanted to tell her something, I stuck my hand in her mouth to
interrupt her -- before she could stop she had skidded half way to my
elbow -- and started a new subject.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
R. L. Parker
22/JAN/1964
Sometimes, she talks so fast her words overlap -- like one time her
husband suggested that she beg a loan of some sugar from one of their
neighbors, the Nottinghams. Her reply was, "I'm Nott-sugar-beg-ing-
ham. I don't want to be under any obli-gol-darn-gation to them."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters: De Gaulle
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
It's a horrible feeling to look up one day and find out your halo is gone.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters: De Gaulle
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
Really he left very humbly. He told his staff, "Every once in a while, say
a little prayer for me."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
GENE PERRET
16/MAR/1968
IT'S FUNNY HOW THINGS HAPPEN. FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS DE
GAULLE NEVER TASTED DEFEAT WHILE RICHARD NIXON WAS A
GOURMET.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
(Nixon sent a wire to De Gaulle)  It said simply, "To one who has just
fallen out of power from one who just fell in."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters: De Gaulle's Defeat
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968

Nixon was going to go on television to express his regrets, but Laugh-In
was booked solid.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
De Gaulle was practically forced out of the job. Still some good has
come from it. Now Lyndon Johnson has a pen pal.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Gene Perret
16/MAR/1968
I'm trying to arrange a love affair between De Gaulle and Fang's mother.
She's the same size as France.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Mrs. Vi Mathiesen
8/APR/1964

Then there's the Indian warrior who flunked one of the tests to be a
Brave. They call him Chicken Little.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Mary McBride
10/APR/1964
I have a friend that adores the telephone.  When she answers the phone
instead of "Hello" she says, "What hath God wrought!" When she hangs
up she says, "Remember, bulletins at any second!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Mary McBride
10/APR/1964
When her husband answers the phone at her house he says, "Whom
shall I say is willing to listen?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Jean Roberts
22/APR/1964
She's a real prize - if only I could find a big enough cracker jack box, I'd
give her away.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Jean Roberts
22/APR/1964

She screams at the kids so much - she's the only woman I know who
wears supphose around her neck to keep her veins from sticking out.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Shirlee C. Kurtz
22/APR/1964

She's wrecked so many homes she should join a union.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Larry DiGirolamo
24/APR/1964
Just to make her feel at home, I speak her native tongue... pig latin.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Donald O. Michau
22/APR/1964
She wasn't the dumbest broad in the world but she ranked among the
top ten!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Mrs. Lillian Daniels
29/APR/1964
She lost her job as a Bunny when they found out her ears didn't come
off!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Jack Knutson
30/APR/1964
This woman is so nosy she put curtains on the glass door.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Jack Knutson
30/Apr/1964
She says: They're home alright, because everytime I open the door they
turn on the light.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Unknown

Such a doll -- she looked like a windup toy --I kept looking for a key in
her back.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
She had a hangnail on her elbow - or - she worked as a paper cutter at
Flax.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Mary McBride
29/MAR/1965

Our speaker today needs no introduction --  she's wearing a name tag.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Eugene Perret
10/May/1965
[[underline]]Nosey Mail-Man[[/underline]]
He hands me the mail and tells me what's in it.  The only reason I use a
letter opener is to grade him.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Eugene Perret
10/MAY/1965
We got a notice last week that our mail would be 3 days late because
our mailman was having his glasses changed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Eugene Perret
10/MAY/1965
Just to throw him off the track once, I had a girl friend of mine write me
real crazy letters full of crazy stuff - a lot of goofy stuff that never made
any sense.  My mailman had her committed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Eugene Perret
10/MAY/1965

The last one is the most likely, because the SPCA WENT AROUND
AND DELIVERED the handbills to all the dogs on the block that said,
"BEWARE OF THE MAILMAN."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Lance Clarke
29/Mar/1966
Dolores, we call her "Dee Dee," - "D.D." is for "Drop Dead."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966
Police Dog - we have an Oriental postman and he doesn't like Chinese
food.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
/SEP/1964
If the world were at her feet - she'd trip on it. The world was at her feet -
and she tripped on it.
If the world was at her feet - she'd trip on it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
JUN/1964

She posed for Arm and Hammer.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
MAY/1964

She looks like Dracula.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964

She's (He's) built so funny -- 200 pounds of skin and bones.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
And a fun person to boot -- I used to boot him all the time - just for fun.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

When she opens her mouth her face disappears.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
ORBEN GAGS
02/AUG/1967

I won't say my wife gossips, but at our house opportunity has to knock. If
it phoned, it'd get a busy signal.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ORBEN GAG
11/JUL/1967
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE HIP IRISHMAN? HE DOESN'T SEE
FAIRIES. HE SEES INTERIOR DECORATORS!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
FEB/1965
IT'S BEEN A FRUITFUL DAY -- I MET A FRUIT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
FEB/1965
DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
GUY ON CONGRESS EXPRESS - DUMB - HE COULD BE
CARDBOARD - BUT THEN HE COULDN'T START A FIGHT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
BULLY - WITH LOTS OF HAIR - YOU'RE ENGLISH - BLOODY RIGHT
- HOW DID YOU KNOW?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
SHE IS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER AVERAGE WOMAN WHO LIVES ON
CUMQUATS AND RAW OYSTERS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

He opens up about as often as a clam with a rusty hinge.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Sometimes known as a plumber's friend — she's no friend of mine.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964

I saw her at the garage the other day — having a safety belt installed on
her broom (on phone — or in conversation — She's down at the garage
— having a seat belt installed on her broom.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
You talk about a cold letter - she keeps her ink in the refrigerator.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

She doesn't listen to conch shells, she talks to them!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
The captain is standing there with his binoculars - no - not on shipboard
- at the apartment building.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
Her breath is so bad she drinks air wick.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965

He always talks with a tongue in cheek - that's why you can't understand
a word he says.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
Born with a silver spoon in his mouth - never learned to talk.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Jun/1965
My druggist, who is also my marriage counselor.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1965

We had her for a furlong - boy, was her fur long!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Mar/1966

He's a friend of ours, we hate him...

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
R.L. Parker
10/MAY/1965

She's about as graceful as a camel...with cramps.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
His mother was a loose liver.  Her liver was loose.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965

She saves food for sentimental reasons.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965

Put her foot in the water and started screaming - I'm drowning.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
She is so cold blooded she bathes with her fur coat on.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965

He's out walking his pants - shouldn't he have them on?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965

She's in her room soaking her feet in a wicker waste basket.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963

Her legs are like arms and her arms are like legs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963

Stop addressing us as "subjects."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963

Feet of clay...makes clay tracks.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963

She can fold up a chair with her voice.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963
Even her breath was good.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963

They never see eye to eye...he's 7'2 and she's 3'4...

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963
He's a nut.. out taking a brisk walk... carrying a little crop... 8 turnips.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963

A friend who is a bearded musician...he looks like an edsel that drove
through a field of alfalfa.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
UNKNOWN
A Baldwin -- not the piano -- the president of the board.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963

Does she have a sharp tongue?...you can cut cheese with it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
24/OCT/1964
When you get to know him - you hate him.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
24/OCT/1964
Baby Rose.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
She has a lot of homely virtues - in fact she's homely.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
He's oriented all right - he thinks he's in Japan.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
Chic prisoner describing cell - and at the windows - metallic stripes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
We're going to have a great time tonight - I feel like one of you - I'm an
idiot.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
(Bust) She's never late for work - at least part of her.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
He put his parachute on to go to the john.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

He looks so seedy - where's those seeds.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
24/OCT/1964

He looks so brainy - his forehead goes clear down his back.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Lillian Daniels
09/JAN/1965

Fang's sister finally found a man and what a Nut! He invented a T.V. set
that he takes to the Ball game to watch what goes on BACK at the
Tavern.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
24/OCT/1964
Son of the blacksmith on the South bank of the River Clyde - Mother
calls him to supper - Hey Clyde (Saxon origin of nickname).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
She's the only woman I know with a pierced chin - she can whistle Dixie
thru her chin.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

This clown.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964

Ad in paper - woman who washes clothes on Mon. and Tues. would like
place to hang out Wed. and Thurs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
It took her 6 months to get in the Yoga position - and it took her 6 weeks
to get out of it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
He talks to himself and then complains of hearing voices.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966
Huge house...who lives there...one lady all alone...she's got
class...either that or leprosy.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966

My astrologer who is also my butcher.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
31/MAR/1966

She's one of those well organized broads who gets all her work done by
10...and then roams the neighborhood.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966
She never bothers with details.  She forgot your name already?  Who's
gonna rap...

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966

I don't pay any attention to her...I've got my own problems.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
31/MAR/1967

Typical chair woman...built like a chair..

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
31/MAR/1966
She grew another foot out of her left elbow.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
26/JUN/1967

Dedicated to my milkman - who is also my marriage counsellor.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Orben Gag
12/APR/1967

She flew over from England and when she got off the plane, they didn't
know whether to send her to customs or to camp.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ORBEN GAG
02/AUG/1967
HE'S SUCH A PESSIMIST, THE ONLY THING HE EXPECTS TO GET
ON A SILVER PLATTER IS TARNISH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Orben Gag
02/AUG/1967
This fella is so wild, L.S.D. takes him!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
Ultimatum - everybody's same or else - who's else - she's that German
refuge.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
May/1964

This guy is so exclusive he lives in an unlisted house.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
Fire bugs I have known.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
May 1964

Threaten when your Daddy comes home - he never leaves.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
Jul/1964

He eats nothing but meat - he's carnivorous - and his breath isn't too
good either.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
My chubby chum.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Farmer visiting town first time - kicking at paved streets - good thing
they built a city here -- the ground's too hard to plow.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1964

My dressmaker's way of saying hello -- leaves a pin - it's just her way of
saying hello -- saves her calling me long distance.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
08/APR/1964
They've gone sightseeing - they went to look at her mother.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964

A professional hater.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
May/1964

He takes his mother wherever he goes - & she'll go anywhere.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963
We printed that John Day was a [[underline]]defective[[/underline]] on
the police force...that should have read.. John Day is a detective on the
police [[underline]]farce[[/underline]].

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
Jul/1964

Witches - curb your cat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
Jul/1964

Thru thick and thin - said Mable. You're thick and I'm thin.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Thane Quist - Brundage
(titled chap)
read it tilted chap - or printed it "tilted chap."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
He's half Irish and half Jewish -- he's got a big nose and lace ears.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Oil rights on her skin.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
She's got the greatest wheels (legs) but she's got a spoke loose higher
up.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
She had him under a spell -- originally he was a tall, dark, handsome
frog.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Lady had such a high waist -- when she tightens her belt -- she chokes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
She's so tall she wears a red blinker in her hair for planes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
She's so electric - she wears a coat with a chain. (I'm so elec.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
When she opens her mouth her face disappears.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
AUG/1964
A guy named "Happy" -- (He is a real grouch.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
AUG/1964
He's so brilliant -- a mental case (he's a genius - a mental case.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
I think his badge must have been pinned to his skin - he was in a rotten
mood.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
A Baldwin -- not the piano -- the president of the board.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
He's been thru some very weird stages - he grew a beard on his elbow.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
She's so dishonest -- when she plays solitaire -- she deals from the
bottom of the deck.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
That's our leader -- that'll give you a rough idea of where we're going.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
She moves so fast - - she's just a blur.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Man out in front is crazy - he's sitting on the sidewalk swearing at a
banana peel.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
She's sitting on the back porch shooting flies.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
You've either got to get a haircut or start carrying a violin case.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
KAY GORDON
09 FEB 1965
TALK ABOUT A MELANCHOLY BABY - SHE HAD A SHAPE LIKE A
MELON AND A FACE LIKE A COLLIE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
There is something new on the market for women with a real figure
problem - it's a knee-length hat.  (I have a friend who needs one so bad.
She's knock kneed - it's so bad, when she walks, it sounds like a crap
game - she sends messages - I got news - she gets answers - from

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters       -2-
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
ships at sea - and wouldn't you know she goes with a guy who is
bowlegged - that's natural selection in operation - when they walk down
the street together - it spells O.K.).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
24/OCT/1964
Raunchie Village character walking clipped poodle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
Guy gets out of insane asylum by passing exit exam (opposite entrance)
inmate asks him how he did it - he points to his head and says: "Use
your foot."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
MR. HAROLD EMERY
29/MAR/1966
THE EDITOR IS A NERVOUS PILL-GULPER NAMED LAWSON P.
DAWSON, OR DAWSON P. LAWSON, HE'S TOO NERVOUS TO
REMEMBER WHICH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964

enTRANCE - she is that chic.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
DEC/1964
She has a million irons in the fire - she's a blacksmith.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAGS
11/APR/1967
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE FARMER WHO LIVES RIGHT ON
THE ISRAELI-JORDAN BORDER AND CALLS HIMSELF THE AGA
COHEN?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
MRS. B.C. REYNOLDS
23/MAR/1967
SHE HAS A ROSEBUD MOUTH AND A FIGURE LIKE A VASE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
UNKNOWN
If the world were at her feet - she'd trip on it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
UNKNOWN
SO UGLY SHE WENT PAST OUR TABLE AND CURDLED THE MILK.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
OPLE HOFFMAN
20/JUN/1967
(COSTUME PARTY) MY HAIRDRESSER, ANTOINE, WENT AS A
COWBOY. IN FACT, HE BORROWED A PAIR OF MY HIGH HEELED
BOOTS. HE TEASED HIS HAIR INTO THE SHAPE OF A TEN-
GALLON HAT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
THE KIND OF GIRL WHO ASKS SOMEBODY TO GET A QUARTER
OUT FOR THE SF GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE WHEN SHE GETS IN
THE CAR IN BOSTON.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ROBERT M. STROZIER, JR.
01/AUG/1967
SHE'S SO DUMB THAT FOR TEN YEARS SHE PUT THE WRONG
END OF THE TEA BAG IN THE WATER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
SHE'D HAVE TO STUDY TO BE AN IDIOT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
THE KIND OF PERSON WHO GETS UP AT 5 A.M. AND PUTS A "DO
NOT DISTURB" SIGN ON HIS DOOR.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
November 1964

A Vicks-Vapo type.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Phyllis Gag
November 1964
She ticks - but she doesn't know what time it is.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
DOROTHY REYNOLDS
19 JUL 1967
NO ONE REALIZED HE WAS A NUDIST UNTIL HE GOT A HAIR CUT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO YOUR OWN PLANET?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
TALLU - I ONLY HAVE 2 TEMPERMENTAL FITS A YEAR - BOTH
LAST 6 MONTHS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
FRIENDLY WITH THE NATIVES - PATTED THEM ON THEIR LITTLE
SHRUNKEN HEADS, THEY'D YELL EXCITEDLY - BINGO GONGO
STRA LA GOBLU -- THAT MEANS - BINGO TONIGHT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
A CHINESE MATADOR.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
SOMETHING COOL -- ONE OF THE PRETTIEST PYGMIES I EVER
SAW.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
HERE IS THIS GHOST - WEARING A CONTOUR SHEET.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
CRAZY GUY - LISTENING AT WALL - LISTEN TO THAT - (OTHER) I
DON'T HEAR ANYTHING - I KNOW - IT'S BEEN LIKE THAT ALL DAY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
MARY MCBRIDE
29/MAR/1965
SHE MAKES HOMES -- SHE'S A CARPENTER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
R.L. PARKER
20/MAY/1964
SHE TALKS ALL DAY BUT SHE NEVER SAYS WHAT SHE'S
TALKING ABOUT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
R.L. PARKER
20/MAY/1964
SHE WAS NEVER OUTSPOKEN -- BY ANYONE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
R. L. Parker
27/May/1964
She likes to hear herself talk! She says it gives her a chance to hear
what she's thinking!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
UNKNOWN
HE SPEAKS WITH HIS TONGUE IN CHEEK -- THAT'S WHY NOBODY
CAN UNDERSTAND HIM.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
CHARLOTTE HOLICKER
20/JUN/1965
WHENEVER AN AIRPLANE FLIES OVERHEAD HE GRABS HIS BOW
AND ARROW AND TRIES TO SHOOT IT DOWN - IF HE EVER GETS
ONE, HE SAYS HE'LL COOK IT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Leon Marshall
16/JUL/1964
He's one of those nice, good natured, even tempered guys -- a real
phony!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Mrs. Lillian Daniels
23/JUL/1964
She's like a Blister -- never shows up until the work is done.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
John W. Snider
08/SEP/1964
Elisha Otis invented the elevator while living in a one story house in
1857 and was known to his neighbors as "Nutty" Otis.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Mr. Ury -- chain of dress shops -- fashion copy --full page ad -- meeting -
- stormed out and slammed the door --

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
At the age of twelve -- he was Vice President of a holding corporation --
he held his brother under water for three minutes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1964
Lina's mother -- the Jewish Billie Burke.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1964
You know how great she is -- her enemies love her.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Unknown
She's so crazy about uniforms she started a war.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Meet some strange people on planes - sat next to a lady who had just
bought a new sun dress -- her son was wearing it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
She's the kind of a broad - she enters a room -- and everybody knows
she's there - with the possible exception of people with a bad cold.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
SHE CAST A SMELL OVER ME - NOT SPELL - SMELL.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964
YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD HE SAYS -- HE WAS BORN
WITH A SILVER SPOON IN HIS MOUTH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
ORBEN GAG
19/MAY/1967
I WAS TALKING TO THIS FELLA IN A SUPERMARKET AND HE SAID:
"I DON'T THINK WE'RE OVERDOING THESE GAMES OF CHANCE." I
SAID: "OH! ARE YOU THE MANAGER?" HE SAID: "NO. I'M THE PIT
BOSS!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
Strange people -- he's the father of four and the mother of three.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP / 1964
ANOTHER GUY IS A WIERDO - ONLY MAN I KNOW WITH A CREDIT
CARD AT BELLVUE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP / 1964
PREGNANT PERUVIANS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
R.L. PARKER
31 / OCT / 1964
SHE HAD SO MANY TEETH, SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE HAD A COMB
IN HER MOUTH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
R.L. PARKER
31 / OCT / 1964
SHE TALKED SO MUCH - SHE HAD TO HAVE BRACES ON HER
TEETH - TO KEEP THEM FROM RATTLING.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
LEON MARSHALL
09 / OCT / 1964
SHE'S SUCH A PACIFIST SHE WON'T EVEN EAT CEREAL THAT'S
SHOT FROM A GUN.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
JACK BORDEN
07 / NOV / 1964
I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND A BUM GREETS ME WITH
"MA'AM Y'GOT A DIME FOR A CUP?" "A CUP OF COFFEE?" I
ASKED. "NO, JUST A CUP. I COLLECT KNICKNACKS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
MILES HARRISON DOODY
25 / OCT / 1963
SHE'S SO NARROW-MINDED SHE ONLY NEEDS ONE EARRING.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Bill Majeski
22/APR/1964
One nut is certain that there will be spray-on frowns, for people who are
carefree but want to appear concerned.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
DON GREGG
31/DEC/1966
THEY TOLD ME MY INSTRUCTOR WOULD BE A TALL, BLOND
HANDSOME SWEDE NAMED MAX. WHEN I MET HIM I SAID, "IS
MAX A SWEDISH NAME?" HE SAID, "TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH I'M
NOT SWEDISH." I SAID, "THAT'S ALL RIGHT. YOU AREN'T TALL,
BLOND OR HANDSOMISH EITHER."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
DICK SCHWEITZER
31/JAN/1964
YESTERDAY SHE [[underline]]REALLY[[/underline]] FLEW OFF THE
HANDLE - LUCKY FOR THE OLD WITCH SHE WAS ONLY FIVE FEET
OFF THE GROUND AT THE TIME.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
DICK SCHWEITZER
31/JAN/1964
SHE GOT A PARKING TICKET. SHE LEFT HER BROOM AGAINST A
FIRE HYDRANT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
DICK SCHWEITZER
31/JAN/1964
SHE DOESN'T HAVE A GARAGE. SHE HAS THREE BROOM
CLOSETS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
DON GREGG
20/MAY/1964
THE CLERK I USUALLY GET HAS BEEN REFECTED BY HIS
MOTHER, HE'S BEHIND IN HIS ALIMONY PAYMENTS, THE
WAITRESS SPILLED SOUP ON HIM AT LUNCH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
14/NOV/1963
PD DISCUSSES THE PERILS OF WINTER...A FRIEND OF HERS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
14/Nov/1963
She's so high strung... her strings are showing.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
14/Nov/1963
She's so shallow... you could wade through her without getting your feet
wet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964
HE'S A MATINEE IDOL TYPE - BUT HE'S NOT SO MUCH MATINEE
AS IDLE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
Dearest Carol, You are fabulous in the show! Let me know when you
can come and visit me. Bring Joe. Don't bring Fred. I love you. P.D.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
SHE'S JUST A HUMBLE LITTLE CLING VIOLET - WITH STEMS OF
STEEL.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
NOV/1964
WELL, IF IT ISN'T JEANNIE WITH THE LIGHT BROWN TEETH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
The big international news item today is: Movie Star Sassy O'Sex ripped
her hose getting out of the MG her husband gave her after he hit her in
the Brown Derby yesterday over a misunderstanding involving HER
wearing HIS Brown Derby yesterday.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
-2-
She is sueing for $300,000 assault. No battery, just assault. Sassy's fifth
husband, whom she divorced in Reno in October is hospitalized with a
hang nail in Cedars of Lebanon - no, not the hospital, the forest. He
made this statement to the press

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
-3-
about Miss O'Sex's proposed Mexican marriage next week to Marlon
Peck. Peck said: No Comment. Miss O'Sex hasn't appeared in a movie
since 1916. She travels between Reno and Mexico.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
In a sweater she looks like a broken umbrella.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
Witch - flies all night on a mix master - curdled the milky way.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
You talk about a split personality - I know a tight rope walker that fell on
the wire and he's been 2 people for years.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
If you ever meet a girl spy 7 feet tall, look in her shoes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
Ingrid.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
Paula Record
Betty Wilson

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
He drives a beautiful sports model - it's a bright orange - and there's a
big brush on the bottom - he's a street cleaner.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
He kicked me - he was a foot soldier.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Sigmund.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
The Rock Hudson of the Geritol Set.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

Has a solo part with Arthur Fiedler - in the summer symphony playing
indoors with Pops
     Get your Boston Popsicles here
     Chocolate Vanilla and Garlic.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Make your friends think you ate at Ernie's?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Hear D. McH at his best - hoeing radishes early in the morning in his
window box - high atop Nob Hill - hear him at his second best - crossing
Dalmations with Camillas - to get barking dalias - the Burbank of
Northern Calif. - the only window box in the world you listen to - followed
by rain in Spain - and a chat with Kruschev.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
-2-
Kruschev Schultz - his cousin - a used car salesman who is 175 years
old - he sold the first convertible - to some people who wanted to go
West in a covered wagon.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
Herbert was 90 today -- was that his temperature or his age?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Only man in the world with a picture window in his nose.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
With a picture window in his hat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
One of the few men who has never been premier of France or Hasn't
even attempted to swim the English Channel - nearly drowned in his
own bathtub.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
The day he went to sleep singing Old Man River.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964
Mississippi Mud.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
Marc, Charlotte, Warde, Suzy, Steph, McBribe, Savages.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
Can't remember last name - Harry - the blonde guy - used to work the
nugget - married that red-head.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
He keeps people in stitches - he's a tailor.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
Ickabod, Obediah, Lance, Jennifer, Link, Brad.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
She still wears her wedding dress to the grocery - of course she had it
cut off - it's clear above her ankles - she uses the train for her bathroom
curtain - her bathroom - that's a pitcher and a bowl.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
2 Aviators.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
He was a marine - actually he was a merchant.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEPT/1964
Atwater - Sigmund - Remington - Wolfgang.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Unknown

To the man from the Blood Bank -- if I were you, I wouldn't solicit after
dark -- in a cape.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Dick Schweitzer
02/JUNE/1964
She had a nose like a cucumber; a face like a beet; and cauliflower ears
- she wasn't the farmer's daughter - she was the farmer's crop!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Dick Schweitzer
02 Jun 1964
I will say this though, her teeth were very evenly spaced - first a tooth,
then a space... Whenever she ate corn on the cob she had to go over it
twice.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Dick Schweitzer
02 Jun 1964
Her smile looked like a harmonica ... She was the only girl you could
kiss and play Oh Suzzana at the same time ...

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
11/Nov/1963
We got Scrooge to laugh -- Christmas can't be far behind!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
11/Nov/1963
Man ... lots of hair... ribbons in it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Jul/1964
Talk about bumming cigarettes -- this broad bums houses.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964
Do you know who I learned this -- from? An old Indian Fakir -- he had a
fake basket - and fake rope - and a fake snake - if there's anything I hate
- it's a fake snake - if there's anything I hate worse than a fake snake -
it's a real snake.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
11/Jul/1967
Make-up man -- does my make-up blindfolded -- one day I moved -- he
made up the chair! It looked better than I ever did -- he ran away with
the chair.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Orben Gag
19/MAY/1967
I took my wife to see WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF. You
know, I think George and Martha go to the same marriage counsellor we
do?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Orben Gag
12/DEC/1967
I have a friend who carries his lunch in a bowling bag instead of a lunch
pail. He likes cantaloupe.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Orben Gag
02/AUG/1967
I just had an unusual experience. Met this fella six feet tall wearing a ten
gallon hat; cowboy boots; lots of money; owns oil wells; a cattle ranch.
What makes it so unusual, he's from Vermont.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEPT/1964
I know a couple who have a terrible weight problem - all they have for
breakfast is half an apple each- that's all that's left of the roast pig from
the night before.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Orben Gag
19/MAY/1967
You know the most frustrated person in the world? It's a bookie with one
phone and a teenage daughter!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
McCaffrey, Fitzgerald and O'Brien - the three wise men.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Here's a girl you're all familiar with - or would like to be.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
She is so elegant she only has the social diseases.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
We have a beloved guest with us today, a former Miss Universe, Betsy
Drag Race - Miss Drag Race - is that a hyphenated name? No, there's a
question mark in the middle - What does that mean. If I knew, there
wouldn't be a question mark there.
Miss Drag Race, you are a former Miss Universe. Yes - I was Miss
Universe back in the days when the Universe was nothing but a hole in
the world - before they were sending up all that garbage - rockets - there
were just ghost riders in the sky. (sing) - Ghost Riders in the Sky.
Yes, Miss Drag Race -
Ghost Riders in the Sky.
Miss -- are you against rockets?
I'm against everything - you name it - I'm against it.
Why are you against rockets?
It's an awfully expensive way to get rid of one mouse.
Ghost Riders in the Sky.
What do you mean?
When I have a mouse I take a little 10 cent trap and I put a little piece of
cheese on it - and ka-jook - I catch it -- they find one mouse in the
Pentagon, and they send it away in a $5 million trap and then expect it
to wire back and sing Wish You Were Here - Wish You Were Here -
They're not making the stars so bright this year.
Would you care to go on a rocket to the moon?
Not unless things get a lot worse here - Wish You Were Here - Wish
You Were Here -
It is generally known, Betsy - you don't mind if I call you Betsy.
Oh no - not at all - I'm sick of being called Sam.
Wish You Were Here - Wish You Were Here.
Betsy - you were one of the most ravishing beauties of your day -
ravishing is the word - isn't it?
That's the word all right.
What is the secret of your long successful life?
They say that we're too young to love - too young -what was that quest.
Well I think it's pretty obvious that I have found the secret of eternal
youth. I eat health food - eat plenty of dried snake fangs - raw fish,
seaweed, alf alpha, butterfly feet, that junk, I eat lots of health food - I
hate it - it makes me sick.
They say that we're too young to love.
What else?
I bathe whenever I have a chance - which is when I have a room - that's
about twice a year - I do it the same day I see my dentist.
They say that we're too young to love.
Would you say you have a good dentist?
Yes, he's lovely - he saved my tooth - he's darling -- washes his hands
twice a year - whether they need it or not.
They say that we're too young to -

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Phyllis Gag         -2-
OCT/1964
You are very fond of your dentist?
He's the greatest - we usually make a day of it --
He cooks spaghetti in the sterilizer - then he wraps it around my teeth -
The spaghetti?
No, the sterilizer. How do you think he saved my tooth?
They say that we're too young to love, too young to really be -
Alright- you eat health food - you're a cleanliness addict -
you take good care of your tooth - you've definitely found the secret of
eternal youth. And I understand that you - a former Miss Universe - are
celebrating your birthday today -
how old are you?
I'm 23.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

            

Unknown
Phyllis Gag
OCT/1964
Our next guest is lovely Jane Jackson - hello Jane - it's lovely to see
you. What line of work are you in?

I'm a nuclear physicist (difficulty pronouncing it) giggle.

Nuclear Physicist.

Yes, that's it.

Where do you base your operations?

I spend most of my time at Cape Carnival.

Canaveral.

That's it - Carniverous - Cape Carniverous.

What do you do at Cape Canaveral?

I send up the rockets.

Tell us about it.

Well - it's top secret and I can't say too much about it, but the last one I
sent up - oh golly - what a mess - well, the rocket got off beautifully - but
Cape Carnival is no longer in Florida - it's in Alaska - that's why they
made it a state - to get the launching pad back. And the men who made
the final checks on the rocket, just before I sent it up - are in Connecticut
- Texas - India and Madagascar.

And one guy who got his coat caught on the rocket - keeps sending us
messages saying he's out of this world.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Nonnee Coan
08/JUL/1964
Since that shapely blond with the bikini has been taking sun baths in her
back yard, Fang moved his hammock 8 feet higher. So I put up a 10 foot
hedge!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Nonnee Coan
08/JUL/1964
But Fang outsmarted me, he built a tree house.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Characters
Dorothy Borrillo
10/MAR/1967
Dumb? She's got stupidity written all over her face -- and it's spelled
wrong.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
R.L. Parker
01/JUN/1965
I said, "Make a circle," and she said "By myself?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
Phyllis
13/FEB/1968
She was born rich--Philadelphia main line--not money--dope--in the
veins.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
P.K. Stein
09/OCT/1964
Fargo, a wino friend, says he is a night watchman.  Well, actually he's a
Peeping Tom.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

CHARACTERS
PHYLLIS GAG
SEPT/1964
THE PSYCHIATRIST TOLD HIM TO LIVE IT UP -- LIVE EVERY DAY
AS THOUGH IT WERE HIS LAST -- HE LASTED FOUR DAYS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 8, Part 3
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 12:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Smithsonian Institution
National Museum of American History

The mission of the Smithsonian is the increase and diffusion of knowledge - shaping the future by preserving our
heritage, discovering new knowledge, and sharing our resources with the world. Founded in 1846, the
Smithsonian is the world's largest museum and research complex, consisting of 19 museums and galleries, the
National Zoological Park, and nine research facilities.Become an active part of our mission through the
Transcription Center. Together, we are discovering secrets hidden deep inside our collections that illuminate our
history and our world.

Join us!
The Transcription Center: https://transcription.si.edu
On Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/SmithsonianTranscriptionCenter
On Twitter: @TranscribeSI

Connect with the Smithsonian
Smithsonian Institution: www.si.edu
On Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Smithsonian
On Twitter: @smithsonian

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History