Drawer3Part2.txt

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Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Avon Lady
Phyllis Gag
12/APR/1989
The Avon Lady came to her House and made a citizens arrest.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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AVON LADY
PHYLLIS GAG
12 APR 1989
She even had a sign printed on her chest . . . In case of rape, this side
up . . .

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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AVON LADY
PHYLLIS GAG
12 APR 1989
What a face, When walked into a room Mice jumped up on the chairs ...

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AVON LADY
PHYLLIS GAG
12 APR 1989
Her knees are so bony she can watch TV and crack Walnuts at the
same time.

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AVON LADY
PHYLLIS GAG
12/APR/1989
She looks like a girl who was pardoned thrity second after they threw the
switch.

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AVON LADY
PHYLLIS GAG
12 APR 1989
When ever she went the a Psychiatrist he used to put her on the couch
face down.

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AVON LADY
PHYLLIS GAG
12 APR 1989
She could lure a guy out of a burning building . . .

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AVON LADY
PHYLLIS GAG
12/APR/1989
And if it weren't for her adam's apple she'd have no shape.

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AVON LADY
PHYLLIS GAG
12 APR 1989
Shes so ugly she was once sued by a peeping tom for eye pollution.

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AVON LADY
PHYLLIS GAG
12 APR 1989
And she has big circles all over her body from guys thouching her with
ten foot poles.

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AVON LADY
RAY MAHONEY
1/JUN/1988

She said she was a Model--I throught I smelled glue....

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AVON LADY
TOM PADOVANO
4 MAY 1985
My Avon Lady was a Jehovah's Witness. She sold bibles in 3 different
fragrances.

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AVON LADY
Michael J. Pellowski
AUG/1982

Last week an Avon Lady tried to sell me a Halloween mask, as a beauty
aid.

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AVON LADY
John P. Shea
22/APR/1981

(RE: PD)

She lost her job as an Avon Lady in Transylvania for frightening the
vampires. The night she met Dracula, he held up the cross

CF: Roast Jokes, PD-Looks

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AVON LADY
Phyllis Gags
NOV/1977
Avon lady on skate board.

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AWARDS
14/Apr/1982

Tom Perew

Pia Zadora owes two more payments on her Golden Globe.

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AWARDS
June 1979

Orben Gags

Anwar Sadat and Menachem Begin were given the Nobel Peace Prize.
Leon Spinks was the runner up.

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AWARDS
Orben Gags
JUN/1979

Our door prize tonight is both good news and bad news. The good news
is, the holder of the winning ticket gets a free two week, all expenses
paid vacation to any spot on the map. The bad news is, it's a map of
Cleveland.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gags
Dec/1981
My mother entered my picture in a beautiful baby contest - they sent it
back with a note - Sorry no pets.

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BABY
Phyllis Gags
DEC/1981
I was a change of life baby - I changed my mother's life.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Tom Padovano
14/APR/1982
When I was born they considered my face a birth defect.

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BABY
Gene Perret
29/Jul/1968

Let me tell you this.... I can kid about losing sleep and everything, but
kids are great. When times get tough and you're fed up with everything,
tiptoe up to the kid's room when they're sound asleep and tucked into
their little cribs. Lean over that crib very quietly, and look into their
precious little faces; but whatever you do...... don't inhale.......

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BABY
Gene Perret
1968/Jul/29

I was losing more sleep than the insomniac who married the
nymphomaniac.

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BABY
Gene Perret
29/July/1968
She was born on________ (date.) I remember the date well because it
came right after my last full night's sleep.

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BABY
Gene Perret
29/Jul/1968

We called her_______(name); she called us every morning at 1, A.M. 3
and 5 A.M. Babies are wonderful, but I prefer sleep.

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BABY
Dorothy Reynolds
28/Jun/1965
If I had known babies became teenagers I wouldn't have bothered.

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BABY
Mrs. Gladys Chapman
8/Jun/1970

Babies. Now they have diaper service. When my kids were little, I
remember once when I only had one clean diaper left. I diapered both
kids together and passed them off as Siamese twins.

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BABY
Hank Grant
14/JUL/1970
The Hollywood Reporter
The fiend who invented a rubber teething neck for baby vampires.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
20/OCT/1970

Did you hear about the Polish guys who kidnapped the little Polish baby
... they sent him home with the ransom note ... (Topper). His parents
sent him back with the money.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
19/AUG/1971
Organization in favor of breast feeding babies: "Tits for Tots."

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BABY
Detours
28/NOV/1972

Visitor: "Does your baby brother talk yet?"
Tommy: "He doesn't have to. He gets everything he wants by yelling."

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BABY
PD
Jun/1975
Proud mother, showing off her baby: "He's eating solids now --
newspapers, keys, pencils, rubber bands and spiders."

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BABY
Orben
10/MAY/1973
I always wondered why babies spent so much of their time sucking their
thumbs. Then I tasted that baby food.

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BABY
Orben Gag
10/MAY/1973
The doctor told me that one day they had 42 babies born. I said, "What
do you call that -- a record?" He said, "No, a company picnic."

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1976
World's youngest mother - she's 10 -- "Do you nurse the baby?" "No, we
take turns sucking my thumb."

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BABY
Phyllis Diller
23/FEB/1978
She had twins by Caeserian section -- named one of them Ceasar - the
other one Section.

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BABY
John Shea
16/FEB/1978
Congratulations on your NEW baby. It's better than having an OLD one.

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BABY
Ken Draus
21/FEB/1978
There's this new diaper on the market. It's washable, you just throw
away the kid.

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BABY
Edward Brotak
21/FEB/1978
When I had my first child, I didn't lose any weight. But I was a foot
shorter.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Gene Perret
29/Jul/1968

We called her ___________ (name); she called us every morning at 1
A.M., 3 and 5 A.M.

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BABY
Gene Perret
29/Jul/1968
Finally I gave birth to a 10 pound vocal chord.

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BABY
Richard McMonagle
MAR/1979
(Bella Abzug) Bella's mother died during childbirth...she was tickled to
death by the feathers on her hat...

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BABY
Phyllis Gags
NOV/1977
Q: Do you take the baby to the beach?
A: No, we just pretend we live in Virginia.

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BABY
Ed Perkins
APR/1979
I know babies are sent from Heaven, but they sure take a peculiar route.

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BABY
Orben Gags
MAR/1979
There is absolutely nothing wrong with trial marriages... The problem is
trial babies.

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BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
We found out why people call children 'Kids'. It's short for 'Kidney'.

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BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968

I handed him the baby and he didn't know how to hold it or pick it up or
anything.  He found out later, you pick them up by the dry spot.

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BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
She looked exactly like Fang.  Bald, no teeth, always on the bottle.

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BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
When I came home he was speechless.  After five days of peanut butter
sandwiches, he couldn't get his mouth open.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Pregnant Peruvians.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Baby in Sterile Box.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
From artificial insemination - the kid goes straight into a box - for the first
year.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
End of the year - take the kid out - can you - imagine!

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
He sees his first germ. What is that?

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
That's a germ.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

What is [[underline]] she [[/underline]] carrying!

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Already the kid knows about things like that - because on the inside of
this box he grew up in - is printed - the world is divided into HIS and
HERS.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
And in California when you split, EVERYTHING is HERS.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
If an amoeba splits in Calif. - it's all hers!

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Baby
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
So now the kid is even more petrified - remember - it's a male kid.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Where are these germs going?

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
They are going to a convention in Chicago - to decide where to hold
their next epidemic.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
That's when everybody gets it.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Get's what?

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BABY
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964

The TWIST was an epidemic.

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BABY
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964

BABY MIX-UP AT (HOSPITAL) SUPERMARKET - THIS OTHER
WOMAN HAS BOUGHT ALL THE SAME ITEMS--

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
I love this business - except one thing scares me to death - the lights -
they are so bright - let's face it - when I was a housewife - if I ever had
that much light on me - when I woke up I had another kid.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
MARY MCBRIDE
20 MAY 1964

I'VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS THAT I HAVE TO COVER UP AND
NOW THEY'RE STRESSING NATURAL MAKE-UP. FOR ME
NATURAL MAKE-UP WOULD TAKE MORE COURAGE THAN
NATURAL CHILD-BIRTH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Tom Streissguth
01/JUN/1965

Those were wonderful years, our first son was born in that first home of
ours, it was quite a surprise to me. I always thought the Stork brought
babies, so I lay there on the couch, tapping the chimney.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
TOM STREISSGUTH
01/JUN/1965

WAITING FOR THE FLUTTER OF WINGS OVERHEAD, THEN THIS
YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL DOCTOR ARRIVED, HE TOOK ONE LOOK AT
ME AND TOLD FANG TO START BOILING WATER IMMEDIATELY.
WE HAD INSTANT COCOA AND SAT AROUND, EVERY NOW AND
THEN THE DOCTOR WENT OUT TO CHECK THE ROOF.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Dorothy Borrillo
16/JUL/1964

Right before my eyes those bundles from heaven turned into bundles of
laundry.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Dorothy Borrillo
16/JUL/1964

I was insulted, because in those days I was only beginning to fall apart.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Dorothy Borrillo
16/JUL/1964

All the kids want to sleep with their favorite pets. Mine had goldfish!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
DOROTHY BORRILLO
16/JUN/1964

IT SURE BEATS GETTING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO
GIVE THEM A DRINK OF WATER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Mary McBride
10/MAY/1965

For a possible black-out. Mrs. Fischer, did you feel anything you did
influenced the birth of the quintuplets?
Mrs. Fischer: Yes! My favorite movie is Birth of a Nation."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
PHYLLIS GAG
JUL/1964

AS SAFE AS IN YOUR MOTHER'S ARMS - TURNED OUT SHE
WASN'T TOO NUTS ABOUT HER MOTHERS ARMS - SHE DROPPED
HER TWICE - ONCE OFF A FIRE ESCAPE AND ANOTHER TIME
FROM A TRAIN.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
I'm scared to death to have grandchildren - does it hurt?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gag
1/APR/1966
Last time I took the Rabbit Test they lost the Rabbit.

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BABY
Dorothy Borrillo
07/APR/1964
I really didn't mind being(fertile) -- but there was a time when I
considered [[underline]] crop rotation [[/underline]]!

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
17/DEC/1970
A herring lays 70,000,000 eggs a year ... and nobody remembers her on
Mother's Day.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Lydia Olson
APR/1978

Don't let anyone kid you!  It is nice to fool Mother Nature -- especially
when whe fooled you [[underlined]] first [[/underlined]]!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Marriage
Charles W. Parker, V.S.M.
11/JUL/1967

She spent her honeymoon in the maternity ward.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968

When I was pregnant, I woke Fang one night to tell him I felt life.  He
thought I was complaining about a magazine in bed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
GENE PERRET
29/JUL/1968

When I told him the rabbit test was positive, he thought I got a job as a
Playboy Bunny.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
GENE PERRET
29/JUL/1968

When I was pregnant, I woke Fang one night to tell him I felt life. He
thought I was complaining about a magazine in bed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
CHARLOTTE HOLICKER
10/MAY/1965

After I told Fang I was going to have a baby, he ran all over town looking
for the Stork - to kill it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1964

He said he was going to go downstairs and get his daughter -- he came
back nine months later -- with a boy.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
PHYLLIS GAG
JUN/1964

How did he know what she was having.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
MARY MCBRIDE
10/APR/1964

I said to Fang, "Why don't you call me baby like other husbands do their
wives. He said, "Everytime I ever called you, Baby, we had one."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Eugene R. Perret
22/APR/1964

I told my wife.. "I'd rather have the babies than do the shopping." So we
compromised. Now every time shopping day rolls around, I get morning
sickness.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
PHYLLIS GAG
SEP/1964

Husband made me do all the work - he even made me have the babies.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
JEANNE OPALACH
07 NOVEMBER 1964

Some people think from the way I speak that I don't love my husband,
Fang. This is ridiculous! Oh, I'll admit I've left him 5 different times - but
let's face it - I always went home as soon as the baby could leave the
hospital!!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
EUGENE R. PERRET
22/APR/1964

I wanted to send her away on a weeks vacation, but I knew it would be
impossible because wives don't prepare properly for things like that. For
instance, when she went in the hospital with our last bably, she only left
enough clean dishes to last for four days.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
CHARLES W. PARKER, V.S.M.
11/JUL/1967

She spent her honeymoon in the maternity ward.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
GENE PERRET
29/JUL/1968

I handed him the baby and he didn't know how to hold it or pick it up or
anything.  He found out later, you pick them up by the dry spot.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
PHYLLIS GAGS
05/APR/1968

DALE SIMMS HAD A BABY -- I KNEW SHE WAS EXPECTING -- YES,
BUT SHE WASN'T EXPECTING A BABY.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
PHYLLIS GAG
JUN/1964
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BORN? I WAS THERE WHEN HER MOTHER
RUBBED THE BOTTLE -- AND SHE CAME OUT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
LOUIS A. ZACHEA, JR.
22/JAN/1964
I WAS PREGNANT SO LONG I WADDLE FROM HABIT!

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BABY
JOE LUCAS
20/MAY/1964
I TOOK THOSE NEW BIRTH CONTROL PILLS; THE PILL WORKED
BUT THE SIDE EFFECTS GOT ME -- PREGNANT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Orben Gags
30 MAR 1968
Be honest now. Can you understand the words to these songs? I heard
one yesterday. I think it was labor pains with a beat!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP 1964
The twins are 18 and 20. Boy - I'll never forget that birth. How would you
like to be hung up for a couple of years?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Eugene R. Perrett
19 MAR 1968
I was gorgeous when I was pregnant. It's the only shape I ever had.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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MARRIAGE
Edward J. Beckwith
2 APR 1968
Her husband must be sick of the constant talking. Even in bed. In fact
the only time she got pregnant was during the laryngitis attack.

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BABY
HELEN DOHENEY
16 OCT 1964
A father, taking home his new baby, was at the pay-up desk studying
the bill. "Last year my baby cost $24 a lb. and this year it costs $52 a lb.
You mean to say the price has gone up that much?" asked the puzzled
father.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
GENE PERRET
29 JUL 1968
The only thing he knew about having babies was what he learned in
cowboy movies. Do you know he kept a pot of water boiling for the
whole 9 months.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
GENE PERRET
29 JUL 1968
I told him to read up on the subject so he'd know what to do. He's so
cheap, when I was pregnant he bought the book - "Born Free".

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
GENE PERRET
29 JUL 1968
We were having breakfast when I told him the pain's were three minutes
apart. He used me to time the eggs.

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BABY
GENE PERRET
29 JUL 1968
When he drove me to the hospital he put two boards in the car for
splints. "In case the child is from a broken family."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Diller
28 JUL 1972
The proud father was on the phone telling the local newspaper about the
birth of his triplets. Not hearing him too well, the reporter asked, "Would
you repeat that?" Replied the father, "Not if I can help it!" (from Detours)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Orben Gag
10 MAY 1973
Then a nurse came out with twins and she said to the father, "I'll bet
you're surprised." He said, "I certainly am." She said, "What were you
expecting?" He said, "A divorce."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Orben Gag
10 MAY 1973
The big problem with having a baby is getting to the hospital on time.
One doctor got a phone call and a man's voice said, "Doc, she's due any
minute now." The doctor said, "Is this her first baby?" The voice said,
"No, this is her husband!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Gene Perret
29 JUL 1968
When he drove me to the hospital he put two boards in the car for
splints. "In case the child is from a broken family."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
When I came home he was speechless. After five days of peanut butter
sandwiches, he couldn't get his mouth open.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
I told him to read up on the subject so he'd know what to do. He's so
cheap when I was pregnant he bought the book - "Born Free".

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
The only thing he knew about having babies was what he learned in
cowboy movies. Do you know he kept a pot of water boiling for the
whole 9 months.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Bill Daley
17/MAR/1967
When I was having my first baby I remember how Fang acted. When I
told him it was time to go to the hospital, he got hysterical. He said, "This
is my bowling night." But he did agree to carry my suitcase out to the
car, and I carried his bowling ball.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
16/FEB/1965

I won't say Fang is superstitious, but when we go to New York, he won't
take me to the Stork Club!

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BABY
Dorothy Reynolds
01/JUN/1965

The 5 times I told Fang I was pregnant went like this:
#1 - I played a recording of "Rockabye Baby" and he kissed me.
#2 - I said coyly, "The baby is going to have a playmate!" He said: "You
bought a dog?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Dorothy Reynolds
1/JUN/1965

-2-
#3 - I said "Hey, that silly stork is landing here again!" We shook hands.
#4 - I said, "Guess what?" He shrugged his shoulders.
#5 - I yelled "From now on you sleep on the couch!"Then we both got
Drunk and cried.

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BABY
Mrs. Thomas Schulte
13/JUN/1964

The last thing I remember before the anesthetic put me out was the
rabbit's foot around the surgeon's neck.

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BABY
Ople Hoffman
31/OCT/1964

I was in labor so long -- they made me join the union.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963

Hospital..yelling for Mercy.. she was in the lot and couldn't hear me..they
thought I was faking..so I had the baby in the room.. I refused to pay the
doctor...friends snuck me out of the bed... put a sheet over the bed and
said they were taking it out for repairs.

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

I had all my kids in a log cabin. Now is that clear?

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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

I told both my boys they were born in a log cabin - it doesn't matter
where girls are born - it's a good thing - one was born in a taxi - another
between the anthem and the prayer -- I sang -- right up to the bitter end.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Orben Gag
12/DEC/1967

Thanks to this strike, Ford is getting a lot of sympathy from mothers.
They're the only ones who know what it is to have labor pains for two
months!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Connie Quehl
20/JUL/1965

I checked into the hospital, to have the kid, I was detained by a nosey
old witch, who was full of questions. You would have thought that she
was interviewing me for a job.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Connie Quehl
20/JUL/1965

But not for long. Who enters now, but Mac the Knife. Another broad
comes in and starts asking me such personal questions about things I
wouldn't even discuss with my mother. There were 547 questions in all.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Connie Quehl
20/JUL/1965

That evening I was moved into a private room, and looked forward to a
good nights sleep. I might as well have slept in the hallway. After about
an hour of sound sleep, the lights suddenly went on, and what sounded
like an elephant walked into my room. It was a nurse. She said, "Oh
honey, I didn't

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY    - 2 -
Connie Quehl
20/JUL/1965

know you were asleep. Now, that you're awake, you can take your
sleeping pill."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Connie Quehl
20/JUL/1965

I was quite apprehensive about getting a roommate, as on my previous
stays in the hospital, I had been in with a tattooed Chinese girl, and a
lady cab driver.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Connie Quehl
20/JUL/1965

The next morning, or middle of the night, 5:00 A.M., is the middle of the
night to normal people, isn't it? This Amazon commences to shake me,
demanding that I wake up. If my husband did that, he'd wind up with a
fat lip. But then she was bigger than my husband.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Connie Quehl
20/JUL/1965

It was great to get back home to good old Germ City, U.S.A.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Wheeling me in to have the baby - door says NO ADMITTANCE - I
yelled - you fool you -- see the sign - NO ADMITTANCE.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Stan Davis
08/APR/1964

I looked awful just before I had my last baby.
I looked like a cadillac pushing a volkswagon.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Ople Hoffman
28/JUN/1965

Dear Leader:
     This is just for you.
     Every time I've been pregnant, I have had an awful craving - to not
be pregnant.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Charles W. Parker
10/APR/1964
You're Nobody Till Sombody Loves You...and the next thing you know
you're a den mother.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965

Pregnant song - "Dinner for one and a half" - Please James -
(unbelievable menu).

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963

From Here to Maternity.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Dave Riddle
01/AUG/1967

I was the "Believe It Or Not" in the maternity ward.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Orben Gag
12/DEC/1967

Thanks to this strike, Ford is getting a lot of sympathy from mothers.
They're the only ones who know what it is to have labor pains for two
months!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Mary McBride
31/10/1963
When they put that baby in my arms, I thought he was the cutest little
monkey I had ever seen.  But what an ugly baby!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
When I told him the rabbit test was positive, he thought I got a job as a
Playboy Bunny.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1964

The twins are 18 and 20.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gag
Jun/1964

I'll never forget that birth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1964

How would you like to be hung up for a couple of years.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Marriage
Phyllis Gags
20/MAR/1969
We recently attended a wedding where the bride was six months
pregnant -- the guests all threw puffed rice.

Playboy Magazine
Submitted by Richard J. Fredrikson

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Phyllis Gag
Unknown

Spaceman was prepared for flight -- it's a little like being prepared for
having a baby -- you're given a lot of calcium -- strapped to a contour
couch -- honey - I've been in outer space -- 5 times.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
I'll have a dill pickle - 3 strawberries and a jar of mustard - Are you trying
to tell me something?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964

She's not expecting - she's sure.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
11/JUL/1967
I have five kids and maybe you think that isn't a lot of pickles and ice
cream.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Dorothy Reynolds
21/MAY/1965
I've got skin just like leather.  When I was pregnant I looked like a
suitcase.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Dorothy Borrillo
16/JUL/1964
Every spring there was a new bud on the family tree -- and I was the
tree!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Mary McBride
29/MAR/1965
My mamma is going to have a baby and she's 43 years old, and you
answer, "I'm not going to stand here and listen to horror stories."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gags
26/APR/1966
I weighed 216 lbs. having a baby..when they took me into the delivery
room...they got a flat tire.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
November, 1964
I was very big in San Francisco - I was pregnant.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Paul Batson
APR/1979
Have you heard about the new sex diet? After nine months you lose
eight pounds....

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
L.E. Peters
03/AUG/1981
I was in labor longer than John L. Lewis.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Stephen G. Allen
19/MAY/1969
I used to think organized labor was slang for a maternity ward.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Mary McBride
29/JUL/1969

Does anyone know when Luci Bird is expecting? I don't know the
gestation period for an egg.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag. Dr. Rossman
21/APR/1971
Dr:  A hippy came into my office the other day and I didn't know whether
he had a fat belly or whether she was pregnant.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Orben Gag
5/23/73
The Postal Service is having terrible problems with deliveries and it's
spreading. I know a letter carrier whose wife is in her fourteenth month.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Comedy/Update
APRIL/1979
If Dolly Parton got pregnant her baby could drown while nursing.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
Babies are wonderful, but I prefer sleep.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Orben Gag
AUG/1967
If you don't think rabbits multiply, last Easter I gave my kids two
chocolate bunnies. And the very next day they had 42 M&M'S.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Ed Diehl
09/FEB/1965

This is gaga about you being pregnant for the 3rd time and the
busybody neighbor asks you bluntly if you are going to have a baby.
(Laugh and say) "Hell No! I'm just carrying it for a friend."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
E.P. Stewart
31/DEC/1964
When I was pregnant, my favorite food consisted of watermelon with
chocolate sauce on top, covered with sliced broiled onions.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Mary McBride
08/SEP/1964
I was pregnant so long I couldn't remember if the term was Maternity or
Eternity dresses.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Lydia Olson
28/FEB/1978

I get nervous when I read about all those mad scientists creating life in
test tubes! What the hell's the matter with the way we've been doing it?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Phyllis Gag
Jun/1965

I may have flunked math - but - I learned the common denominator for
women - child birth.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968

I was losing more sleep than the insomniac who married the
nymphomaniac.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Larry DiGirolamo
10/MAY/1965

Just had our 1st. baby. Until yesterday I thought Similac was a Notre
Dame full back.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
Jul/1964
Spaceman was prepared for flight -- it's a little like being prepared for
having a baby -- you're given a lot of calcium - strapped to a contour
couch -- honey, I've been in outer space five times.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-01-2017 11:42:03

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
Unknown
One kid is 23 -- it's a terrible thing to have a baby when you're 12.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
Jul/1964
The baby is eating solids now - crayons, pencils, door stops.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
Unknown
Don't have a baby -- you had enough trouble raising a dog -- the dog is
19 years old -- and isn't house broke -- now they call it kidney trouble.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
Jul/1964
I wanted a boy so I could play baseball with him -- Why don't you have
your folks exchange her for a baby boy -- we can't -- we've used her four
days.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
Jun/1964
I speak your language - Pablum.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gag
Jun/1964
My list (shopping) baby gift -- the kid is 12.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1964
If I had known it was a poodle (hairdo) I never would have had children.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
11/NOV/1963
No, no, that's George... here's the baby!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
PhyllisGags
01/APR/1968
How did you happen to have triplets? I have a Polish abortionist.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Orben Gags
30/MAR/1968
Did you hear about the hippie baby doctor?
He's sort of a slobstetrician.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gags
14/FEB/1968
All my grandchildren are adopted.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Mrs. Jack Knutson
27/MAY/1964
A baby is something that can melt your heart while wetting your lap.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Larry DiGirolamo
02/JUN/1964
His first words as a baby were "bear" and "bull"... he resented his
parents.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Mrs. Jack Knutson
27/MAY/1964
I took care of a baby for a friend of mine and could that kid ever eat. I
haven't had that many empty bottles in my house since New Years Eve.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Shirlee C. Kurtz
21/JAN/1964
Who needs to have babies any more. You can buy a doll that does more
than any child of mine.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Shirlee C. Kurtz
10/APR/1964
I measured the baby's formula with a shot glass.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Richard Mason
08/APR/1964
Next I select a basket. Once, without my glasses, I took a baby carriage
complete with baby.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Richard Mason
08/APR/1964
It was shortly after this that I saw a woman coming down the aisle with
what looked to be the ugliest kid in the world. When she got closer, I
could see it was a small dog with a sweater on. Anyway it reminded me
to buy Fang some nose drops.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
E. L. Daggett
24/OCT/1963
Medical care -- joined one of these prepaid medical plans, and we're
covered for just about everything.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
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BABY
E. L. Daggett
24/OCT/1963
For example -- if I have a baby, I can get the best medical care in the
world, and it won't cost me [[underlined]] one red cent.[[/underlined]]

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
E. L. Daggett
24/OCT/1963
That is, if I'm over sixty five and happen to be a man.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
P.K. Stein
31/DEC/1964
Kids are getting married younger. One kid in our neighborhood rushed
his new wife to the hospital thinking she was pregnant because she
cried all the time. The Dr. examined her and said, "She'll be O.K. in a
few days; she's just teething."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Margaret Newhouse
25/OCT/1963
I had the first Hot Line in history -- it was to my Obstetrician.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Margaret Newhouse
25/OCT/1963
One thing, though, I can collect unemployment insurance if anything
happens to my lip.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Violette Sealock
07/NOV/1964
I hear one reason offices like those new machines is they don't have to
give them baby showers.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Friend next door has ten children - the other day a stork flew over his
house - he let it have it with both barrels - the feathers flew - first time I
ever saw a stork stark naked - a stark naked stork.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Baby
Marie Prijic
16/Oct/1964
And to top it off, I had morning sickness -- No, I'm not pregnant -- I'm just
sick of mornings."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Shirlee C. Kurtz
09/OCT/1964
My daughter is so pretty! They must have switched babies at the
hospital.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Mary McBride
08/SEP/1964
In fact they started a new innovation at one of the shops I go to. They
now have an emergency room.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Leon Marshall
04/SEP/1964
My uncle is the biggest optimist I ever met.  Last week he got married at
the age of 95, and now he's looking for a home close to a school.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Tom Streissguth
01/JUN/1965
And the older one always wanted to take the baby out walking - on
water.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Baby
Tom Streissguth
01/JUN/1965
The first baby was jealous of number 2. I found a grenade in his
oatmeal.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Guess what was left on my doorstep today - all wrapped like a baby - a
doorstop.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Charles W. Parker
09/JAN/1965
Out of the mouths of babes come Pablum, Wet Cereal, Formula.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Bill Daley
17/MAR/1967
My mother entered my picture in a beautiful baby contest. They sent it
back with a note, "Sorry, no pets."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Baby
Leona Toppel
29/MAR/1965
A couple I know was so young when they got married that their friends
tied bronzed baby shoes to their Hertz rent-a-tricycle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Baby
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
I sleep like a baby, in footsie pajamas.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Baby sitter - got home - she's sitting on the baby.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Baby
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
No illegitimate children - only illegitimate mothers.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Once upon a time - and a little baby bear - by a previous marriage.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Baby
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Babies are getting better all the time - my first cost only $20.00 complete
- all the extras - and the last one cost $500.00. The $500.00 one
weighed 3 pounds more than the $20.00 one - but do you realize that's
$160.00 a pound - that's ridiculous.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Of course, all delivery rates have gone up - I look at postal rates - when
I had that $20.00 baby you could send a letter for 2¢.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Orben Gag
12/APR/1967
They say that by the year 2,000 -- we'll be growing babies from
laboratory cultures. Won't that be a scene? Turning down the lights,
putting soft music on the record-player, mixing a couple of martinis --
then being told by a test tube it's not in the mood?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
05/JUL/1967
I'm so used to pushing baby carriages the other day in the super-market
I took a bag of flour out of the shopping cart and tried to burp it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
An overbearing woman - had 12 children.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Edward J. Beckwith
21/JUN/1967
I tested so many bottles I developed milk-wrist.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Mary McBride
01/JUN/1965
I didn't really mind that January day when I went in to have our fifth
child, because I made $25.00 shoveling snow.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Dorothy Reynolds
21 MAY 1965
I never owned a layette. We dressed him in odds and ends Fang
brought from home. A derby and spats.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Mrs. Robert E. Dahl
01/JUN/1965
I've stuck so many diaper pins in my thumb - when I take a drink, it
leaks.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEPT 1964
A recent medical report claims that women who smoke have smaller
babies - so for a test - they decided to measure the baby a friend of
mine had - she smokes 4 packs a day - they still haven't measured the
baby - they have to wait til he stops coughing.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Stan Goldstein
13/JUN/1964
Well anyway, when the time came I went to the hospital. I'll tell you
something, that place was more like a hotel. I had a private bath, TV, a
terrace. What can I say, it was the only hospital in the mid-west with a
seven-piece dance band! Three hours after an operation, they had you
on your feet doing the cha cha! The resident on my floor was a graduate
of John Hopkins and Arthur Murray!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Baby
Stan Goldstein
13/JUN/1964
I had such a beautiful room -- I almost forgot to give birth! I figured a bell
boy would deliver the kid!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Stan Goldstein
13/JUN/1964

The only reason I consented to go through with it was because they
promised to use their 300 seat operating room! I couldn't resist a big
show!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Roy Louviere
13/JUN/1964
I'll say one thing for Fang. He always tried to help me with the babies.
The first formula he ever prepared is now on display at the World's Fair.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Baby
Rosemary Denning
31/OCT/1964
1st Baby - -
Fang leaped out of bed, pulled on his pants, backwards; fell down a
flight of stairs, made several phone calls, then finally got the fire house.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BABY
Rosemary Denning
Oct. 31, 1964

Fang filled out the admittance form. 20 minutes later they brought the
forms up to me. According to Fang I was to be 91 my next birthday.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

Baby
Ed Diehl
09/FEB/1965
You are pregnant for the first time and Fang is all shook up and nervous
when he calls the hospital to report that you are in labor. Nurse, trying to
calm Fang down, asks him, "Is this her first baby?" Fang says, "No, this
is her husband."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Orben Gag
02/AUG/1967
I proposed to my wife in a restaurant. I had ordered a steak and french
fries -- and she ordered pickles and ice cream.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
19 MAY 1967
When Fang and I got married he said. "In a couple of years we will hear
the pitter-patter of little foot steps." So I set traps.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Dave Kohnhorst
21/DEC/1964
Poor Fang He fell out of his crib when he was a baby. Trouble was the
crib was on a 3rd floor porch!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Rosemay Denning
31/OCT/1964
Shopping for baby supplies - -
He purchased 2 baby scales - in case one broke in the middle of the
night when the stores were closed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Shirlee C. Kurtz
04/SEP/1964
Every time I want to scare Fang I pick up my knitting. (Or, I can still
scare Fang, etc.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Paul K. Stein
08/SEP/1964
I whispered to a girl friend over the phone that we were getting a new
addition. Fang heard me and fainted. I was going to surprise him with a
new bathroom.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Paul K. Stein
08/SEP/1964
After a year on the road Fang returned home. I told him he'd soon hear
the patter of little feet, and he passed out. The kids had gone to buy a
hamster.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Dorothy Reynolds
21/MAY/1965
The day we left the hospital, Fang loaded the car with flowers and gifts.
We nearly made our escape but some idiot nurse came screaming, "You
forgot the baby!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Mary McBride
21/MAR/1966
Somebody told Fang the last baby wasn't his. It was the doctor... We
hadn't paid the bill.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Mary McBride
29/MAR/1965
Fang took a baby aspirin, a bottle, and went to bed.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Charles W. Parker
10/MAY/1965
Fang has the cutest nickname for me - just because I had 5 in a row, he
calls me Bingo!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Dorothy Reynolds
06/JUN/1965
It was time for the baby's bottle. Fang gave it a bottle of beer by mistake.
It was the first time the kid had slept thru the night of June 5th, 6th, 7th,
8th, 9th and 10th.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Bill Daley
17/MAR/1967
I thought he took good care of the kids. Every two weeks he took them
to the hospital for checkups. Later I found out he was selling their blood.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
12 children - he doesn't love me - think how bad it would have been if he
did!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
He's trying to talk me into having another baby -- that's not the way it's
done.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
MARIE FRIJIC
13/JUN/1964
He found out that the baby couldn't walk, talk or even sit up, he said
"Well then he can't be new."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
R. L. Parker
02/JUN/1964
I remember when our first baby was born -- Fang was so proud -- he
rushed out and bought cigars and passed out among his friends.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
MORRIE GALLANT
25/MAR/1966
It's amazing how a baby can get so wet on only four ounces of milk.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Roy Louviere
14/DEC/1964
I had to go to the doctor for my hiccups. He cured me. He told me I was
pregnant.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Orben Gag
12/APR/1967
The saddest story I ever heard, was about an unmarried girl who's
expecting. So she goes to another city leaving a false forwarding
address; registers in a small hospital using a fictitious name; doesn't
write, phone or tell any of her friends or family where she is. And gives
birth to quintuplets.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
PD
JUN/75
Pregnant girl:  "I don't think it's mine."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Gene Perret
29/JULY/1968
Let me tell you this... I can kid about losing sleep and everything, but
kids are great. When times get tough and you're fed up with everything,
tiptoe up to the kid's room when they're sound asleep and tucked into
their little cribs. Lean over that crib very quietly, and look into their
precious little faces; but whatever you do... don't inhale....

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Charles W. Parker
17/MAR/1967
I thought I was going to have a baby until I found that looking at Fang
was giving me morning sickness.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Gene Perret
29/JULY/1968
She was born on __________ (Date). I remember the date well because
it came right after my last full night's sleep.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
She looked exactly like Fang. Bald, no teeth, always on the bottle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
Finally I gave birth to a 10 pound vocal chord.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

BABY
P. K. Stein
14/DEC/1964
Little kid next door said: "Let's play pregnant." He said O.K., what do I
do"  She said: "You faint and I'll throw up."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Diller
11/1982
I don't understand this business of having test tube babies - what was
wrong with the old way of having babies by accident.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Gene Perret
29/JUL/1968
We were having breakfast when I told him the pains were three minutes
apart. He used me to time the eggs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gag
08/AUG/1969
Kids were discussing Sophia Loren's baby. One kid says: "How does
she know she's going to have a baby?"  Other kid: "It's been in all the
papers, silly!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Paul Batson
APR/1979
If Dolly Parton ever gets pregnant she'll be the last to know.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Current Comedy
25/SEP/1989
Women are putting off having kids until a later age. In fact, my town just
opened a retirement home with a maternity wing.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Dave Kohnhorst
21/DEC/1964
One day I whispered to Fang, "We're going to have a fifth." He said, "I'll
go get the ice and the mix."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Frank Fox
21/DEC/1964
Fang is so dumb. Yesterday, I asked him to go to a baby Christening
and he refused because he can't stand to see a baby hit over the head
with a bottle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gag
SEPT/1964
Baby cries - open drawer to quiet baby.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
What did you think of the new baby girl? They should've kept the stork.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
I never did learn to fold diapers - so I put them on and folded the baby.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Orben Gag
JUN/1965
We finally figured out a way to make sure our baby-sitter watched the
baby. We kept it in the refrigerator!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Orben Gag
JUN/1965
After she cleaned out the refrigerator, she'd go around yelling 4 letter
words. Like: 'TUMS'.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963
The baby ate solid food -- crayons, erasers, etc.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Mrs. Thomas Schulte
03/JUN/1964
I decided after my fifth baby four was all I could handle.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Mrs. Robert Nicoll
27/MAY/1964
A friend had a kid they didn't know whether it was a boy or a girl - so
they named it BEN-HER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Sharon Schulte
20/MAY/1964
I wish babies would find a shorter route from heaven to the hospital.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Ray Rieves
20/MAY/1964
Parents let their kids watch TV from the time they're born. Now when a
kid cries they don't change his diapers...they switch channels.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
P. A. Rotuno
20/MAY/1964
New baby took one look at me and said: "I want my Daddy".

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
24/DEC/1964
When my first child was born, staying in the hospital proved to be sort of
fun and I was getting a much needed rest. One day the nurse came in
and said, "Mrs. Diller, don't you think it's time your husband picked you
and the baby up to go home?" I guess she was right 'cause after all, the
kid was going on eighteen!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Dave Kohnhorst
21/DEC/1964
I still think my grandma knew more than all these modern baby books
put together. After we had our 5th kid, we started reading them again
and boy some of those chapters.  There was one, "Do you really know
your child's friends?"  I know who our boy's friends are - 4 snakes and a
goldfish!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Mrs. Robert E. Dahl
14/Dec/1964

I had quintuplets the hard way - one every 2 years.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Dorothy Reynolds
21/MAY/1965
Baby
I always knew when his bath water was too hot. Bubbles came out of his
navel!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Violette Sealock
21/MAY/1965
People would quit bragging about their babies if they would only realize
that almost everybody has one.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Charles W. Parker
17/Mar/1967
I'm a bird watcher... specializing in storks.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
PHYLLIS GAG
OCT/1964
1ST BABY- WORE SURGICAL MASK- THE KID STILL DOESN'T
KNOW TIL I PUT THE MASK ON - WITHOUT THE MASK - BOY GOT
SICK - BREATHING MY OWN GERMS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Ray Rieves
02/JUN/1964
I love television. One of our kids was born during a commercial.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Florence Williams
09/JAN/1965
If they wanted to be changed, they had to take a number.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Florence Williams
09/JAN/1965
The kids broke so many bottles, we fed 'em formula popsicles.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Florence Williams
09/JAN/1965
At one time our bedroom looked like a used crib lot.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Edward J. Beckwith
21/JUN/1967
I had so many kids I had dealer's plates on my baby carriages.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Kay Gordon
09/FEB/1965
Talk about a melancholy baby - she had a shape like a melon and a
face like a collie.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
16/FEB/1965
I think the nurse was a former salesgirl. AS I was leaving the hospital
she wanted to know if wanted the baby in a bag or gift-wrapped. I said,
You mean I can give it away?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
Tom Olson
JUN/1978
I fell for that line about the stork bringing me. Because we looked alike.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
R. L. Parker
24/Oct/1964
I explained the facts of life to my kids. They wanted to know the name of
the bird with the big bill that brings babies. I said, "The bird with the big
bill is a Doctor."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY: CF: Roast Jokes, PD-Looks
John P. Shea
22 APR 1981
(RE: PD)
The day she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BABY
L.E. Peters
03/AUG/1981

I've given birth five times. They bring you a bundle in a blanket. You look
at it and try to remember if you had an affair with a wrinkled Indian.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BAD Service
L.E. Peters
FEB/1980
Repair service is so bad. They only thing that stays fixed around our
house is the cat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BAD Service
O'LINERS
NOV/1979
Everybody's so independent these days. I know an exterminator who
doesn't make house calls...you ever try to put 600 cockroches in a cab?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BAD SERVICE
Phyllis Gags
MAR/1976
I wouldn't say service was slow--but while I was waiting for my rent-a-car
I forgot how to drive.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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JIM BAILEY
PHILLIS DILLER
23/JULY/1990
JIM BAILEY STOLE MY GIMMICK -- TRYING TO PASS AS A WOMAN
-- IT'S WORKING FOR HIM.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BANK: CURRENT COMEDY

08/APR/1991
MY BANK FAILED BUT THE TOASTER IS STILL WORKING.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BANK
CURRENT COMEDY
21 JANUARY 1991
I HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT MY BANK. THEIR CALENDARS ONLY GO
UP TO MARCH.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BANK
CURRENT COMEDY
21/JAN/1991
TO DISCOURAGE PEOPLE FROM FILLING OUT WITHDRAWAL
SLIPS, MY BANK INSTALLED PENS WITH ONE-INCE CHAINS.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BANK
Current Comedy
21/JAN/1991

THE GOVERNMETN IS BAILING OUT THE BANKS, BUT WHO IS
GOING TO BAIL OUT THE GOVERNMENT?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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[[underlined]]BANK[[/underlined]]
CURRENT COMEDY
09/OCT/1990
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BANK ROBBER AND A
SAVINGS AND LOAN OFFICER? I DON'T KNOW EITHER.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BANK
L.E. PETER
AUG/1982
After I paid my taxes, I put half of my money in savings and the other
half in the parking meter in front of my bank.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BANK
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
14 NOV 1984
These animal transplants are amazing. Just think, if Richard the Lion-
Hearted were alive today -- he could really be Richard the Lion-Hearted.
And if animal organ transplants are successful, medical science will
inevitably attempt the next logical step - try to put a human heart into a
banker.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BANK
Orben's Current Comedy
23/MAY/1985

There are 3 staged to a savings and loan getting into trouble: concern,
panic and desperation.  Concern is when they put a limit on withdrawals.
Panic is when they put a moratorium on withdrawals. And desperation --
desperation is when they call you up and ask for their toaster back.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BANK
Steve Shrott
14/APR/1982

I'm so overdrawn at the bank -- they took back my toaster.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

[[underlined]]BANKS[[/underlined]]
Tom Perew
23/MAR/1982
The Bank of America in Hollywood is different. They ask, "What's your
mother's stage name?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BANK
Steve Shrott
AUG/1982

You know banks are in trouble these days, when they have to put a
chain on a 29 cent pen.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BANK
ORBEN
16/SEP/1981

There's a new name for 17% mortgages -- Speed Bleeding.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BANK
Paul Batson
JAN/1982

I'm such a lousy driver -- when I go to the bank, they foam the parking
lot!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BANK
ORBEN
18/FEB/1982

The winter has to be the worst time of the year for banks. Can you
imagine how it feels when, every time the door opens, it's someone in a
ski mask?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BANK
ORBEN
12/SEP/1981

There's a new name for 17% mortgages -- Speed Bleeding.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

THE BANK
Tom Adams
APR/1980?

I felt so bad, they took back my calendar.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

BACHELOR
Current Comedy
29/MAY/1989

A bachelor is someone who figures he already has the world on the
string, so why bother tying the knot.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BY THE WAY
Current Comedy
12/FEB/1990
I was reading the obituaries.
Isn't it odd how people die in alphabetical order?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BY THE WAY..
Current Comedy
27/NOV/1989
Yesterday a guy was screaming, "Get an ambulance! Find me an
ambulance!" Are you hurt? And he said, "No I just graduated from Law
School."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BY THE WAY..
Current Comedy
22/DEC/1989
I went to a costume party as a bowl of fruit.
I was the still life of the party.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BY THE WAY..
Current Comedy
13/NOV/1989

The new Yuppie classic? Uncle Tom's Condo.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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BY THE WAY
Current Comedy
12/FEB/1990

During a terrible storm, a ship loaded with yo-yos sank.  Sank fifteen
times.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 3, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution
National Museum of American History

The mission of the Smithsonian is the increase and diffusion of knowledge - shaping the future by preserving our
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Join us!
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